


Meteor

by easyonme



Category: U2
Genre: Established Relationship, F/M, Lots of Sex, M/M, Multi, Non-monogamous relationships, Threesome, slight dub con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-22
Updated: 2018-07-06
Packaged: 2019-02-18 13:19:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 26,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13100988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/easyonme/pseuds/easyonme
Summary: This tale is mostly set in present day during November 2017 when Adam and Bono spent some time in France and Spain for the NRJ and Los 40 Music Awards. It concludes around the time they returned to London to receive their EMA award, preform at Trafalgar Square, and record at Abbey Road Studios for the BBC special. There are many flashbacks, mostly to the road trip they took together through the American Southwest in 1987, but also to April 12, 1981 when U2 played the Park West in Chicago on the 4th leg of the Boy tour. There is a lot of sex, some anguish, and eventually personal discovery about non-traditional relationship paradigms. Adam POV all day every day.





	1. Chapter 1

I tried so hard not to laugh as we strode down the moonlit dock and boarded the high-speed boat. It was certainly glamorous, and all slightly ridiculous. Production managers yelled out instructions from the darkness behind the set line. I imagined The Last Shadow Puppets playing as our quixotic heist-esque soundtrack. Heist, I laughed at myself. The only thing we were stealing here were hearts.

I glanced over at you, and found you strutting like you were James Bond himself, albeit slightly shorter. A slow smile crept across my face, and lines curled around the edges of my eyes when I landed on my next thought. It had been exactly 11 days and 4 hours since I'd had my hands clasped round your steady, tender hips. Since I'd had my way with your writhing naked body in my throughly air-conditioned Morumbi hotel suite. Since my humid breaths in your ear made the hairs on the back of your neck stand up. The taste of you almost still lingered on my tongue - hot, sweet, and metallic, like a gummy bear glued to the nose of a spaceship. Blast off, I grinned. You saw me eyeing you and smirked back. Just the thought of you thinking about me thinking about you was almost enough to get me off.

You stopped in your tracks and bounced up on your tip-toes. Speaking over the nearly blinding stage lights, "Gents, I think that's a wrap." The only person I've ever known who somehow manages to run his own takes. It was as if you'd been waiting for just this moment. You turned to the third man on set, "Kygo, it's been a blast." You shook his hand and I followed your lead with more pleasantries. Then we were off to our dressing rooms. I, even still, marvel at your ability to handle a crowd like that.

I, of course, was dressed in a flash, really only requiring the de-robbing of my elaborate bejeweled jacket. I silently leaned back and placed one substantial boot against the wall next to your door and waited patiently, while you finished God-knows-what kind of primping inside. I imagined repeated applications of hair spray and lip balm and prolonged looks in a large mirror that was just barely seeing the start of a few freckles of black spots around the edges. I pictured you with your feet up on the vanity, sipping a cool beverage, probably cucumber water as Ali instructed, while you scrolled through messages on your phone - your chubby finger flicking this way and that, categorizing your life and its acquaintances. Finally you sprang from inside your dressing room and I casually swept my hand over your wrist as you passed.

This caused you to spin around, mid-leap, and giggle when you saw me standing languidly at your door.

"Going somewhere?" I hoped there was a dark sparkle in my eyes; I was fairly certain I'd achieved this when I noticed how you shifted your weight ever so slightly.

"Just to find you as quickly as possible," you chirped and sidled up closer to my outstretched leg, which supported all my weight with the obvious assistance of the wall, where you'd firmly placed one of your solid hands.

"Lucky you," I slid my aviators down to the tip of my nose and looked you over from head to toe, slowly, and with nothing but ions between us. "You didn't need to go far."

You leaned in closer, your soft, supple lips almost touching my left ear, and breathed out, "Lucky me."

You ran your other hand slowly down the considerable length of my side, rippling the folds of my white t-shirt as you went. Static created sparks between us, both literally and figuratively. I grabbed both of your hands in mine with a smooth, easy motion. "Not here," I said in a perceptible whisper. The truth was I didn't care, but it was still fun to pretend we had to keep this a secret.

You nodded dutifully and bounced around, taking me by the hand. We made our way back to your penthouse suite overlooking the beach. I hadn't bothered to get a place this time around. You had such good taste anyway. I'd stay with you almost anywhere you led me.

"You're beautiful!" You declared, throwing your arms up triumphantly as I clicked the door shut quietly behind myself and pocketed my sunglasses.

I leaned back against the door. You had a way of making the room feel electric when you were in this kind of jubilant mood, and I loved observing you in this state. It had been a joyous year, despite the world's predicaments. We both thoroughly enjoyed this exact kind of rebellion. Joyous rebellion. The real resistance of evil. It was good for us, after all we'd been through. I could feel my soul settle at peace as you stepped closer.

All I could do was smile down at you as you took my hands in yours and kissed the back of each in turn. I felt so whole as of late. I had a moment to realize it probably had something to do with having everything I wanted, and then suddenly you were kissing me, your lips warm and soft, pressing your body firmly but gently against me, and letting your hands roam the familiar expanse of my back.

"Mmm. This is all I could think about all night," I moaned against the heat of your mouth.

"So naughty, Mr. Clayton." I could feel my heartbeat in my ears. "Mixing work and pleasure."

"As per usual," I chuckled and spun the both of us around so fast you didn't even notice until I had your back up against the door with a smooth thump.

I expertly held both of your wrists above your head in the fingers of one of my hands.

"Ooh be gentle with me. I bruise easily," you beamed up at me as I sank my mouth towards your inviting neck.

"I know. " I let you feel my breath just below your ear for a few achingly prolonged seconds before I made contact with your smooth, soft skin. I slid my tongue back and forth, up and down. I sucked you in between my lips ever so slightly. Your skin was like heaven, so warm and familiar. You melted in my hands, and I knew you'd allow me to do anything I wanted with your body.

I turned your body slowly and carefully, guiding you away from the door and across the room to the bed. I removed your jacket and t-shirt, and held your chin in my firm grip, kissing you gently and thoroughly. Your hands moved to the edges of my shirt, skirting underneath it, like you fingers were asking for permission to touch my skin.

Peeling off my own shirt, I gave a slight nod. Your thick fingers wasted no time and brushed my belly heedfully. You'd always been so careful with me, to me, for me. I was grateful, and more determined every day to show you that.

My hands busied themselves with the work of unbuckling your belt, then unbuttoning and unzipping your jeans. Your hips held your pants up in place as I slipped both of my slender hands into the front of them and around to your sides, my fingers just reaching the firmness of your hip bones, nestled securely under fleshy skin. Your body pressed ever so slightly toward my grasp, and your hands flitted across the front of my body urgently.

I kissed you deeply and made sure our lips remained locked together as I freed my hands and slowly pushed your pants down over your hips and backside. You hadn't bothered with underwear, you filthy minx. My hands cupped your arse as my tongue explored your mouth robustly. You were already breathing harder against my unrelenting kisses, your body pliable under my touch. I leaned you back onto the bed deliberately and attentively. I stood back and enjoyed my view as I removed my pants and briefs. You arranged yourself in such a way as to preen in my gaze. I could see you enjoyed this just as much as I did.

Climbing on top of you, my erection easily brushed your stomach and your body tensed a little under me. You were trying so hard not to reach out and grab me, to rush this along and receive what you clearly wanted. "Good boy," I whispered and you helped me as I motioned for you to move your body up slightly on the bed.

"Let's make love," you said with clear eyes and clear intent.

My left arm supported me while my right made its way down your side and around your hip and leg. I held you and stroked long and thoroughly. Your breath caught as you attempted to bend up to meet my mouth with yours. I kissed you here and there, but I also wanted to watch you as I brought you closer to the edge. As the years had gone by, prolonging our love making like this had gotten easier. I was more familiar now with when to give and when to hold back, and you knew exactly how much and what I needed. My whole body throbbed as I watched you growing in my hand.

As I leaned down to drown you in my mouth again, I slid my hand down and loosened my grip. You inched closer to my hand and I let my fingers flit across your bottom. You couldn't contain your quiet gasp, even after all these years. Pressing towards me, your body begged me to enter you. I slipped my fingertips gently over your glistening tip and then ran my calluses softly over the opening. You bucked at my touch, and in the same motion I firmly and easily slid one slender finger inside your warm, wet body. Eventually it was two, as your head flew back onto the bed. I ravaged your mouth with reassuring kisses as I pulled my hand away and eased myself into you as gently as I could. I tried to relax my entire being as I was hard as a fretboard. I held your malleable hips with both my hands and glided myself in and out as you breathed harder and harder, bucking subtly underneath me, breathy gasps filling the air.

"God, B," I reminded myself to breathe. "You're pure magic."

You whimpered. "I want all of you."

I pumped firmly into you, and back, and again, and again. My being levitated above you.

"More Ad, give it all to me," you cried out, even as you came all over my bare stomach.

I continued with the same rhythm, relentlessly. Now you held my hips steadfastly. I felt light-headed.

I grunted gutturally as I thrust forward again, allowing myself to unload inside of you. I prayed, yes I actually prayed, that I didn't hurt you.

Your body sighed with relief as I pulled out of you and arranged myself alongside your wilted body. I could feel the warm liquid spilling out between us and down your leg.

"Magnificent!" You wrapped your balmy arms and legs around my spindly body.

"Sorry," I said as I looked down between us.

"Don't be silly." Your eyes met mine insistently. "I meant what I said. I want whatever you have to give. I want it all." You licked your battered lips, and I nestled my chin into your shoulder. I wanted to thank you, but I didn't know how to say it.

"I love when we face each other," you said and held my hand. "Thank you for being in my life." Somehow you sounded perfectly natural, no matter how mind-bending the situation seemed. I felt lucky again, that you didn't seem to need me to profess my feelings for you.

"I could watch you every night and never get tired of it."


	2. Chapter 2

The next morning I was on the balcony with my coffee before sunrise. I thought it best to let you sleep in. Somebody once told me it was good for the voice. You'd never know it by the way you sounded when well rested though.

As the water began to sparkle with light I made a few phone calls and arranged for a car without a driver for the following day. I pulled another chair over and rested both of my slipper-clad feet on it. Carefully folding the edge of my robe back and forth over my knee, I took a sip from my steaming cup. I was going to make sure I spoiled you this week. We had a lot of work coming up soon.

I absentmindedly strummed the beat of a new song on my thigh as my thoughts turned to the upcoming release of our album. I was filled with excitement for all the different sounds happening on it, but also a little terrified of what kind of reception it would receive. I had a creeping feeling that the sea knows, as I looked out over the water.

I shook off the thought and stood up to go get dressed. When I turned around I found you leaning against the doorway with one arm resting over your head along the curved frame.

"Morning," I said as you smiled sweetly.

"I love watching you too, you know." I was secretly in love with your raspy morning voice, no matter how it worried me.

I moved toward you and you draped your arms around my neck, giving me approximately seventeen soft, short kisses right on the lips. I rested my arms lightly around your hips, my empty coffee cup in my left hand and my right flat against the small of your back. We swayed slightly for a moment, keeping eye contact the entire time. Your eyes looked just like the sea, but a little less frightening. I felt myself wanting to jump into them.

After a few moments I had to break the silence, even though I could go on like that for centuries. "We should get ready. Sound check is at 1, there's a late lunch, then it's showtime."

Your eyes sparkled at the word. You were positively in your element. I found myself thanking the heavens this wasn't stolen from you too soon. I would continue on as long as you wanted, as long as we were able.

The awards show was surreal as usual. We performed on a rooftop to a couple thousand attendees, who were mostly rich, drunk, and too young to know much about us. But I have to admit it was kind of amazing to see these well-connected twenty-somethings fawn over Kygo, and I had a great time mixing our beats together in a unique collaboration.

You used the technology in some cool ways too, posing in front of multi-colored screens, channeling your Shadowman character to take us from a bubble-gum-snapping pool party type atmosphere, down a dimly-lit alley where we were sure to get in some kind of trouble. It was easy to get lost in your performance. We could both use Edge to snap us back to ourselves after the song was over.

You had a hard time keeping your hands off of me while you accepted our award. You know better than anyone that someone will always notice, but it seems like you've given up caring as well. A lot of things that have happened this year have taught us that the worst that can happen can coexist right alongside the best of what can happen.

By the time we made it back to our room, we were too tired for anything but sleep.

"I wish there were 28 hours in a day," you whined as I pulled off your shoes.

You were already in your boxers and a t-shirt; the only man I knew who insisted on sleeping with something covering your chest. You curled under the covers.

I smiled to myself as I remember the first time I'd tried to take your socks off before bed, and you demanded they stay on because it helped you feel "more tucked."

Climbing in next to you, I knew better than to share tomorrow's surprise with you now.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah finally, we're really going somewhere with this chapter. Sorry, no sex again. I promise less teasing coming soon! ;) However, I can not promise that it will stay so light.

"Good morning sunshine!" I beamed as your eyes started to blink open.

You made an unintelligible grumbling noise and scratched at your fascial hair.

I'd already checked, twice, and the car was ready whenever we were. I touched the key fob in my pocket absentmindedly and then straightened my emerald green wristwatch.

"Adventure awaits!" I gave you a few minutes to adjust to your surroundings before I flung back the covers. "Pack your bags."

My rolling hardcase was already by the door. We had three days before we had to be in Madrid, and I intended to make good use of our uninterrupted time together.

This invitation piqued your interest for sure, but you were never the type to jump right out of bed. After a bit more cajoling, I managed to get you in the bathroom with your toothbrush in hand. I stood in front of the bed, where your bag lie open and waiting. "What will you need," I called to the other room, as I stuffed in three black t-shirts, two white, an extra jacket, a few scarves...

"How should I know?" You came out of the bathroom gesturing wildly with your arms. "I have no idea where we're going!" You feigned distress, but I knew you loved it.

"You'll find out soon enough," I smiled.

"You could be taking me to the end of the earth for all I know!" The drama shown through your face and your whole body; an audience of one or of fifty thousand, it didn't seem to make a difference. You were always fully committed.

"I'm only stealing you away for three days. There are far too many galleries between here and the end of the earth." I placed another pair of pants and some swim trunks in your bag. "We'd never make it back in time."

You threw on some, hopefully clean, nondescript black clothes and a ridiculous straw hat as I zipped your bag. Without a thought as to what I'd put in it, you grabbed the bag and slung it over your good shoulder. "Let's go then. There's no time to waste." You grinned, innocently enough.

When we reached the lobby, I could see the car's gleaming black exterior and sleek lines through the glass doors and I knew this was going to be a good trip immediately.

As we approached the car, you made a bee-line to the rear passenger seat like we usually would. I stepped around you carefully without trying to make it too obvious and opened the front door. You looked at me, child-like for a moment, as you processed the scene. "Why thank you, sir," you said in a low voice as you inched forward and handed me your bag. Your eyes skated between me and the uninterested bellhops. "Would you mind putting this in the back?"

"At your service," I replied, cordial with a hint of mischief in my eyes.

You made a small production of slipping into the car and situating your legs before I could shut the door for you.

I found a home for both of our bags in the trunk and went around to the driver's seat.

As soon as I shut the door, you blurted out, "You got us an unaccompanied RS 7?" You starred at the black leather console with lust, fingered the blue honeycomb contrast stitching on your seat, and then you looked back at me with the kind of heat only you could produce.

"I thought this would be more fun," I couldn't help grinning and leaning across the armrest to touch your knee lightly with my fingertips. I was so glad to finally share my surprise with you.

"You charming bastard, you." Your feet kicked the floor mat in front of you a little with excitement.

I adjusted my seat and pushed the start button, grinning from ear to ear.

"So, where are we headed?" you couldn't resist asking as we pulled away from the hotel.

"Theoretically, we could go anywhere," I said as I kept my eyes on the road. "But I thought we'd drive north along the coast for a bit."

You crossed your legs, not seeming to be bothered at all by your tight jeans, and slipped one hand over my thigh.

The ride was as smooth as a silk robe. I thought about the black one I'd bought you one year for your birthday.

You took in the scenery outside the window as quietly as you could manage, while I was acutely aware of your hand the entire time.

After about twenty minutes you got restless and I suggested we stop in nearby Antibes, where I'd heard they have a small Musée Picasso. We valeted the car, and while I purchased our tickets you read from a small plaque near the entrance of the castle-like building.

"Did you know that Pablo Picasso lived right here in this very home for six whole months in 1946?" You rocked back and forth from your toes to your heels as I made my way over to the plaque and your unavoidable gravity with our tickets.

"Why, no, I did not know that, B," I answered as I stowed my wallet back in my pocket and guided you towards the entryway.

One of the first rooms we came to had a large painting on the far wall by Nicolas de Staël featuring a scarlet red background with a black piano and a gigantic upright bass painted at either end. I couldn't make out what was in the middle of the two.

"Wow," you breathed and sat down on the wooden bench in the center of the airy space. Your entire being paused, your vibrations stopped. It was a magnificent sight to witness.

We were lucky it was early and the museum was mostly empty still. I sat down next to you. "What do you see?"

"It's a song," you said with certainty. "The piano over here is the melody, and the bass on your side is the rhythm..." You trailed off, like the next thought was too big to say out loud.

"Go on," I urged gently.

"And the chaos in the middle...that's me." We both took it in for a moment in silence.

Then you continued hesitantly, "It's noise, it's poetry, it's pain..."

I placed my hand on your shoulder reassuringly. "It's also love, and beauty, and tenderness. But I hear you," I consoled. "I feel the tension and contradiction too."

"It's complicated."

I nodded solemnly. You sighed deeply.

Eventually we moved on to other rooms. We laughed like boys at a display of about a thousand tiny wire sculptures, each with varying studies on the corkscrew penis. Some were super thick and curved upright, others touched the floor, one was blue, another was a limp noodle held up mournfully by its owner, and there was even one with a treble clef for a dick. We decided the one with the heart-shaped crotch was our favorite.

In one of the courtyards there was a sculpture of a bunch of smashed, weathered guitars whimsically piled high on each other. All of the outdoor works were impressive actually. But the life-sized sculpture of the bear that you found tucked back in a quiet corner away from everything else was the one that really stuck out to me. Something about it reminded me of you lately, with it's furtive over-the-shoulder glance and rough textured fur. He was almost cute, in a depressive sort of way. I couldn't resist reaching out to touch him as we went past. I half expected an alarm to go off in the two seconds while my palm dragged across his craggy plaster and bronze body.

We visited one final gallery space before leaving. This is where we found Picasso's _Joie de Vivre_. This piece really moved me. The musicians and the performers seemed so free and joyful, moving about in the moonlight with the ocean in the background. I found it to be very beautiful. When we left, I had a feeling that we'd be back here someday.

We grabbed a bite to eat at a local patisserie, and then you somehow commandeered the keys from me. I spent the next forty-five minutes gripping the arm rest in the door and trying not to look when we careened around cliff sides. You used the paddle shifters on either side of the steering wheel almost like you'd had some kind of fleeting past as a race car driver. I'm sure it was fleeting, I thought to myself as I gritted my teeth and tried not to look worried at the same time.

Finally, you had to pull over for gas, and I breathed a sigh of relief. I made a mental note to never let you drive again, and I was sure I wasn't the first person in your life to have that thought cross my mind.

It was pretty easy to convince you to give up the driver's seat this time, because you still didn't know where we were headed and you were long past fighting that battle. It was early afternoon when we pulled in to my private drive in Cap Ferrat. I knew it would have been a waste if we went to your place; someone was bound to find out you were in Eze within a few hours, but it would be easy to hide out in my house just across the bay. 

Later, as I unpacked for both of us, I found a pamphlet from the museum, which I'd stuffed in my pocket and forgotten about. I didn't have the heart to tell you that de Staël had died before he ever got the chance to finish his red painting.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, more sexy, more complicated. Hope you enjoy!

After I'd finished putting our things away in the wardrobe, I changed into a pair of aegean blue and grey camo swim trunks and my suede sandals. I slid on my sunglasses as I stepped outside, where I found you lounging on one of the deck chairs next to the pool, fully clothed and with your eyes closed.

I stepped past you quietly and stood at the edge of the pool for a moment, taking in my view again like it was the first time I'd lain eyes on it. I used to think it was just one of those things people said, to practice being grateful, but more and more lately I found myself pausing just to be grateful and then finding that those instances allowed me time and presence enough to find even more to be grateful for. I'd started to think that it not only allowed me to notice, but that the practice actually brought more things into my life to say thanks for. I set my sunglasses on a small glass table nearby.

With a woosh and a small splash I glided into the oceanic water. It felt effervescent on my skin, while the warm afternoon sun danced across the water as it found its way through the leafy trees farther up the hill. I shook the droplets off and ran both hands through my hair. I looked back towards you as I made my way across the pool, and found you awake and propped up on one arm, watching me.

"I'm sorry, did I wake you?" I asked as I swam backwards slowly.

You shook your head. "I was just resting my eyes."

"Mmm," I smile-frowned and flipped my feet underwater when I reached the other side, pushing off lightly to make my way back to you.

You didn't say anything, just watched me swim.

"You should come in. The water's glorious." I came to a stop, resting the balls of my feet on the bottom of the pool, but keeping my knees bent so my shoulders stayed underwater. I dipped my head under the surface again and wiped my eyes clear when I returned to the air.

"Hm, maybe," you said reluctantly. "But then I'd have to give up my good view."

I cocked my head to one side and ran my hand through my hair again, flexing my forearm and upper arm muscles as the water dripped steadily from my skin. "I'm sure you could find another good spot." I licked my lips.

Standing up immediately, you began undressing. Your shoes were first to hit the cement with a thunk. Then you whipped your socks off with all the grace of a baby elephant. Next you unbuckled your belt and peeled your pants and underwear off. After that you wrestled your shirt over your head even though it clearly had buttons down the front, and finally you placed your hat delicately on the reclined chair you'd been lounging on. With your hands on your hips, you stood fully derobbed, and considered your options.

You decided on the shallow end and began to descend the few steps slowly. "Ahh, I see what you mean," you said as your lower half disappeared beneath the surface. "The water feels sublime."

I sank under the water so the only thing above was my head, and I glided over to you.

"If I didn't know better, I'd swear you were a Merman." 

"Maybe I am," I smirked.

"No, no," you shook your head insistently. "I've seen you woo humans on land too." You stayed put on the last step as you trailed your hand back and forth over the surface of the water. I could still see your bellybutton.

"Is that what I'm doing here? Wooing you?" I stopped about an arm's length in front of you and looked up from my refreshing spot in the water.

"You're always wooing me, Mr. Clayton." Your voice a little darker now. 

I tried not to roll my eyes. "Why don't you take a seat there?"

"Is that a suggestion, or instructions?" Your hand stopped moving across the water.

"What would you like it to be?" I lowered my eyes with laser focus on your body.

You sat on the step behind you, leaning back with your hands gripping the first step above you. I looked into the water and saw that you'd spread your legs enough for me to notice even with the liquid shapes shifting back and forth in the dimming light.

I licked my lips again, and found that they were already wet. I drifted closer and touched your knee lightly with my fingertips. I slipped my right hand up your thigh, moving at the lazy speed of the water.

I could feel your stare on me, but I kept my gaze on the prize just below the surface. I wasn't going to let anything evade me. My hands wafted closer, both of them on your legs now, and I could feel the tension in your body along with your desire to hold back. I let my thumbs slide down the inside of your thighs, while my fingers gripped the other side gently. Only then did I allow my gaze to travel up, taking in every freckle and hair on your body as I went. Searching out every line and crevice of your body. I circled my tongue in my mouth as I reached your nipples, and let my eyes shift back and forth across your neck and jawline. I paused at your chin and took an excruciatingly long time to make it past your lips. Your full, luscious, sensuous lips. I could spend an eternity just worshipping those lips. I tried not to think of all the places they'd been. By the time I found your eyes, they were deep and full of lust.

"Don't touch me," I warned. "I might turn into a human."

I couldn't even get a laugh out of you with that now. You were too far gone. I saw you grip the side of the pool even tighter, like it was your only life-raft in a stormy sea. I knew I had to save you.

With that thought, I pushed your legs wider and dipped my head into the water to take you into my mouth. I started slow, caressing the inside of your thighs with my thumbs. I relished how your body always felt full in my hands. So often in my life I'd felt empty, but never with you. I made my tongue soft and filled my mouth with you. My eyes remained closed against the water as I tried not to open my lips too wipe, but eventually you thrust up against me enough that we broke the surface and I could breathe again.

I looked up and saw you'd thrown your head back in what seemed like a mix of pain and delight. I licked you as I considered the curve of your jawline and that expanse of neck that glistened in the disappearing sunlight. I felt myself getting hard against the cool pool water.

You groaned and pushed off from the step, sliding down towards me in the water until we were face to face.

"I feel like I could keep going all night," I licked my bottom row of teeth as I spoke, our heads barely above the surface.

"I could not," Your eyes flickered. Something about the look you gave me seemed very dark. I had the thought for a moment that we were two nobodies on a shadowy side street and you were going to rob me.

Suddenly I felt your entire body against mine, your cock pressing into my midsection. Your hands on my hips, you pulled me up slightly and sank into the water as far as you could while still being able to reach the air. You rubbed yourself roughly against my erection, and growled against my chest as you took my nipple into your mouth and sucked lightly at first, and then more greedily. The water lapped at your lips and my chest as our bodies bobbed up and down together in the water.

I leaned down and whispered in your ear. "I want you in my bed."

Stopping with your warm tongue pressed flat against the center of my chest, you slowly dragged it up as your eyes met mine and you nodded deliberately.

I took your hand and guided you out of the pool and into the house. Our bodies were still dripping wet as we made our way through the living room and upstairs to my bedroom. I couldn't give a fuck what we trailed through the house. We had all 4,000 square feet entirely to ourselves. I didn't even bother closing the bedroom door as I threw my sopping swim trunk to the floor in the corner.

Most of the lights were off, which was good because my house was essentially a glass box with every room visible from the right angles when the sun went down. I brought you to the edge of the bed and eased you down onto the effeminate white linens. Everything here was a little girly, and no, Mariana had not designed the interior. I straddled you with my legs wide and traced your womanly curves with my hand and my eyes. 

"Fuck me," you requested, your voice low and your eyes even lower.

I leaned down and kissed those luscious lips selfishly. I wanted to remember this night for months, years maybe.

"Turn over," I offered gently, my breath hot against your ear. "On your knees, boy."

You abided immediately and shifted your hips back and forth as you settled in.

I touched you at the back of your neck first, running my long fingers down your spine, and then along both of your sides. When I got to your hips I pressed my fingers into your flesh, indulging myself as long as I wanted. I craved this more than I wanted to admit.

I leaned my body against yours, feeling my skin throb against you. We were both still wet when I slipped into you. Every muscle in your body surrendered to my touch. I caressed your stomach, running my fingers through the long hair, as I moved slowly in and all the way out of you. Something deep inside of me wanted you to beg me for it.

I took your scorching, hard cock in my hand and played with it, starting at the base and working my way gradually up to the tip.

You moaned my name, long and deep.

My strokes quickened and your body opened wider for me. I steadied myself with one hand on your lower back and loosened my grip on you as I got closer to climax.

You whimpered under me, but didn't ask me to stop as I moved faster and rougher inside of you. I pulled out at the last possible moment and flipped you over on your back, with my cum spurting across your thighs.

Your cheeks were cherry red and you were rock solid against me, despite, or maybe because of the hot, slippery mess I'd made. Sometimes I felt uncontrollable when I was near you. I started to lick up the sticky liquid on your upper thighs, as you bit your lower lip.

"You don't have to," you managed to choke out.

I ignored the bitter taste and slurped it up until I reached your scrotum, which I was surprised to find you'd shaved for me. I lazily trailed my tongue around them and up the shaft of your penis as I took the smooth skin in my hands. I stroked and sucked, lightly at first.

"Oh fuck, Ad..."

Your hands on the back of my shoulders, you pulled me harder toward yourself.

"I need this," you groaned, running your fingers roughly through my hair.

I pulled gently on your balls, and your breath caught in your throat.

"Oh...yes..."

I sucked all of you into my mouth and swallowed hard.

You groaned loudly.

My tongue rippled against you like a wave as I sucked in and pushed out.

"I'm going to..." Your voice higher this time, losing control.

I kept the same tide going, in and out, in and out, in and out, until you were breaking over the edge. You screamed my name into the night and I swallowed it all when you came.

Afterwards I arranged the duvet gently around your soft, warm body and climbed in next to you, holding you close against the length of my body. You hummed in my ear. I kissed you tenderly and stroked your arm until we were both asleep.

 

***

 

I woke with a start hours later.

"Edge, Edge!" you called out.

Confused, I rubbed my eyes. It was dark save for a sliver of moonlight on the other side of the room.

I saw you were sitting upright and clutching your chest, but couldn't tell if you were awake or not.

You repeated his name. "Edge, help..."

I grabbed your shoulders in my arms and held you. "B, are you awake? Are you ok?" The worry in my voice was clear.

You didn't answer so I shook you a little. "What, where am I? What's happening?" Your forehead was sweaty and your eyes were bewildered.

"Bono, you're here with me. It's ok." I held you, still confused, wondering why you'd asked for Edge.

You looked confused too. "I...I was having a nightmare." I could see the memory coming back to your eyes.

Then realization hit me. You'd been with him during the incident.

I held you and stroked your forehead. "It's ok, B. I'm here. You're here. It's ok. You're ok," I assured us both.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As someone wise one said, "I want to trip inside your head, spend the day there to hear the things you haven't said." Welcome to my trip inside the head of The Most Thoughtful Member of U2. Some questions will be answered; more will be created. haha
> 
> There's a few more notes at the end of this chapter, so as not to spoil the fun.

I had no room for jealousy. It was long-since disavowed in our arrangement. Of course I'd known you'd been intimate with our bandmate at times in the past; I just didn't know it was still happening, or to what degree. It wasn't exactly a comfortable thought. I always tried to avoid the idea of you with others. Maybe I wasn't as sophisticated as I wanted to believe; or as easy as you seemed to be.

I also had little space to talk, considering Mariana and my occasional dalliances. And I hadn't ever had a problem with Ali, quite the contrary. I might even go so far as to call us good friends. The four of us were able to have a nice dinner together. I had easy relationships with your children; sometimes more so than you. Perhaps I perceived no threat from Ali and your family. I knew it would take nothing away from what we had; it never had. So what was my problem with this anticlimactic revelation? The most anti-revelation of all time perhaps.

But there was something new about it. Something that made this information difficult to take. I knew - possibly better than anyone - just how close your friendship with Edge was. He was your _one more road you can't travel with a friend_. Was I jealous? Did I worry he would take you away from me? No, not really.

The issue was much more obtuse than that. You hadn't told me you'd been with him when _it_ happened. That was the hardest part because the thing that made all of our relationships work was complete honesty, so I was left wondering why. And I knew the why could eat me alive.

I let it spiral for a while. Why hadn't you told me? Was there more you weren't saying? Was it something I did? Was I doing too much? Too little? Was it something I wasn't? What was missing in what we had? Why didn't you just tell me? I could make this right. I could be better. For you. I would do anything. I thought about how you let me hold you - a few hours earlier, and when you told me about your heart, and the first time I saw the jade bracelet that I spun around my wrist now, no longer absentmindedly.

It was your mom's. I'd never told anyone else in all these years, not even Mariana, not even Edge.

I remembered the foggy spring day you gave it to me. It was the kind of day where it didn't so much rain, as the drizzle just clung loosely to the air all around us, deadening the sound everywhere we went. Weather we were familiar with, but we weren't in Dublin. We were in Chicago that day, and we'd be getting ready to go on at the Park West in a few hours. I fought through the haze and remembered the look on your face when you found me in the hotel - you looked lost, and somehow found at the same time, but in a place far, far away. It was a look you wore often during your twenties.

"Ad, shh. C'mere." You motioned across the hallway just off the lobby. We entered some kind of conference or banquet room, which wasn't presently set for anything, a mish-mash of folding chairs and long tables pushed against the far wall. I ignored the distasteful decor, and turned in toward you like you were the only person left in the world.

For a moment your eyes were intense but caught in the distance somewhere.

I pulled at the slouchy sleeve of my sweater. Curls hung low over my eyes. "What is it B?"

You touched your hip, outside of your taut pocket. I could see your belly just below your cut-off t-shirt.

There was something in your pause, but I didn't understand it yet. It would take many years to grasp the gravity of that moment.

Finally, you looked right at me as you pulled the green bangle from your pocket with a little snap of fabric. You held it gently in your palm and studied my curious gaze. I realized neither of us had said anything for longer than was natural, so I looked up at you. I had so many questions.

"I want you to have this," You said as you stepped forward and took my wrist.

My eyes widened slightly, but I tried to control my movements. I tried so hard to remain cool, if only you knew how hard this was for me.

This was all so new. What we were...what we were doing. What we had together then... Thinking back, I knew deep down at the time I already had feelings for you, but almost nothing had happened between us at that point. A few hot make-out sessions, a lot of tension, secretly holding hands behind closed doors, and that one time you pushed me up against the back of the bathroom door and shoved your hand down my pants. There was something going on between us for sure, but I wasn't sure what to call it. Until then.

"It was my mom's," Your words were even, measured. Like you'd practiced this.

I swallowed hard; my throat felt dry all of a sudden, but I didn't move my arm. I looked down at it between us.

You held the edges of the bracelet between your outstretched fingers of one hand and cradled my wrist in the other. It took me a second to realize it was a question. You were asking if I'd accept it.

I nodded almost imperceptibly. You stared into my eyes, looking as if you might cry. There was so much behind the veil of that look.

I held my breath as you wiggled it over my left hand. Our eyes never left each other.

Afterwards I held you. I let you drape your emotionally exhausted body over my stable frame.

"Thank you, Ad," You whispered with your lips pressed against the top of my shoulder. I couldn't tell if you were crying or not, so I just held you. I didn't fully understand at the time, but I knew I wanted to be there for you. Always. No matter what else got between us.

Over the years there would be plenty to get between us, but it never seemed to matter. The women, the booze, the music, Berlin. We always found our way through it, and back to each other. The thought was comforting.

I told myself again, I hadn't imagined all this. What we had was real. And I'd never been so sure of something in all my life.

I just needed to talk to you, to figure it all out. To find our way back to the down beat. It was like that one time during With or Without You in Santa Clara. I just needed you to show me where to start. I was sure we could get through this. I was sure we could get through anything together. Love is bigger, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The show in Chicago actually did happen on April 12, 1981 as part of the 4th leg of the Boy Tour. It was actually raining that day to boot. Adam is 21, and Bono is 20. This happens approximately six and a half year after Bono's mom dies.
> 
> “I was given it when I was 21. And it’s a women’s size, and I can’t get it off. My hand was a little smaller. And I actually really forced it on at the time. Because I was 21, and I was having a good time.” Adam Clayton, on having a jade bracelet stuck on his wrist since he was 21 years old
> 
> Someday I'll write B's perspective on the bracelet, but that is for another time and another place.


	6. Chapter 6

"A meteoroid is a small, metallic rock rushing through space. To give you some perspective, meteoroids are significantly smaller than asteroids. They can be as small as a grain of sand or as large as a meter wide. Anything smaller is usually referred to as space dust. Meteoroids are basically just debris, chunks of rock that break off from comets, planets, or the Moon. They aren't actually considered a meteor until they enter Earth's atmosphere, start burning, and produce a streak of ionized air molecules and light particles in their wake," I explained patiently, as I paced back and forth in front of the coffee table.

"The word meteor comes from the Greek root, meaning 'high in the air'. The visibility of a meteor is due to atmospheric pressure, which heats its body up until it glows. Another name for a meteor is a shooting star, racing through the sky at over 20 kilometers per second. The speed of a meteor has something to do with gravity, and the orbit of the Earth around the Sun. We only get to see a meteor for about a second before it disappears."

You nodded, with your chin in your hands, and your body folded over a throw pillow and nestled up against the back of the couch.

I continued, knowing how much you liked the sound of my voice, and how rarely I carried on like this. "A meteor never touches the ground. In fact, most disintegrate in the atmosphere and never make contact, leaving behind dust that catalyzes chemical reactions in the upper atmosphere. The color of light you see depends on it's chemical composition, which breaks apart in layers before any collision can occur. Magnesium appears as blue-green light, usually turning first to violet (calcium), and finally ending as a red ball of fire (nitrogen and oxygen.) The thing that crashes into the Earth is no longer a meteor. At this point it is actually called a meteorite, which is a body that has been physically transformed in structure and chemistry by the heat and pressure generated upon its entry into the atmosphere, along with the force of its impact with the ground."

"Fascinating." Your eyes were incandescent, with the morning light cascading through the floor-to-ceiling windows in my living room. The pool outside was already illuminated by the sun.

"You know where I learned all this?"

You cocked your head more to the side, and waited for my response.

"When we recorded Blackout, I asked Edge for context." I couldn't help but think, this must be one of the reasons you love him. He could sit and talk to you for hours about space and science and chemicals and reactions.

"Mmm," you sighed into your hand, but it wasn't a troubled sigh. You sounded almost content. Like this thought set you at ease.

I had mixed emotions. I was vaguely upset, maybe a little hurt, but I was obviously in love, and you were still radiant in my eyes.

"I don't know how to start this conversation," I admitted, as I sat down on the very edge of the arm chair across from where you were seated.

You didn't speak right away, but when you realized I didn't know what to say next you offered a bit of help. "About last night?"

I gave a single, silent nod. With my elbows on my knees and my hands clasped together in front of me, my eyes drifted away from you as the memory came flooding back to me. A dark feeling washed over me when I thought about the fear on your face as you gasped for air and held your chest. I wanted to reach out to you, to hold you again; but then I remembered him too.

When I shifted back into the present moment, I could see you trying to read me before you said anything.

"I was with him. You're right." You turned your whole body to face me, and looked at me solemnly for a long, quiet moment. I almost said something, but then you swallowed hard and continued, "It wasn't like that. We weren't sleeping together."

I exhaled slowly and silently through my nose. It wasn't quite relief; it was more measured than that.

You paused, searching my face again, and said, "We weren't sleeping together then, but we are now."

I wasn't shocked, or even surprised, but my breath still escaped me. My eyes traveled around the room - taking in the shiny silver edges and the smooth glass top of the coffee table, the graphic print on the rug, the verticality of the drapes, the horizontal lines of the wood floor, layer upon layer of neutral tones - anywhere I could look but at you. I wanted to run, but I forced myself to stay through the pain.

"Adam," your penetrating look compelled me to meet your gaze. "I hope you know this changes nothing."

"I get it, B, but why didn't you tell me?" I allowed my hands to drop to my knees and rest there.

You winced. "I didn't want to hurt you."

The coffee table created too much space between us, but I had the urge to reach out to you. I didn't like seeing you in this position; being the cause of your guilt.

"Why would you think this would hurt me? Why now?" I didn't allow my eyes to leave yours. Even though I could feel them burn a bit, I battled through it.

"You've....you've been so sweet lately. I feel like something is different between us right now." You chose your words carefully, gently. "Ever since, ever since my heart attack, you have been so caring. Even more thoughtful, if that's possible."

I didn't say anything, just listened.

You signed heavily. "And then here I go and do this. I'm afraid to fuck it up, Adam. I don't want to lose what we have."

I watched your every move, the tiny twitches of the muscles in your face and neck, your hands fidgeting together, your knees and toes spread. You extended your hands toward me across the divide; maybe you were unable or unwilling to control the urge that I was sure we both felt.

"It never ruined anything before."

I willed my face to remain blank.

"I know, but this is different." You realized I wasn't going to meet you halfway and withdrew your hands from the space between us.

"How?"

The pained look on your face said it all. "I don't know how much time I have here...with any of you." You had to stop so you didn't get too choked up to speak. "And no matter how any of us jokes, I can feel that you all feel the same. It's like skating on thin ice - loving every second of it all, the feeling of the wind in your hair, the sun on your face, doing exactly what you've always wanted with all the people you care most about - but never knowing when it's going to crack and all be over... That changes things."

I took a deep breath and nodded soberly. You were right, of course.

"It won't ruin anything. We can make this work," I said, listening to the words like they were coming out of someone else's mouth about three bodies away from where I sat. I wanted with all my heart for what I said to be true, but I wasn't sure if I'd convinced myself yet.

The look you gave me now was so warm and full of love, you'd think I'd given you a puppy for Christmas. I felt mixed emotions even about this, but I motioned for you to come to me.

You got up and walked over, stepping gingerly around the table. I patted my knee and you sank into my lap obediently. I wrapped one arm around your mid-section and held your hand in mine with the other.

"B, I love you. This kind of love isn't going anywhere." I looked up at you through my eyelashes. I told myself that true love required sacrifices; sometimes they were ones you didn't see coming and sometimes they were right in front of your face. "But I need you to be honest with me no matter what."

You bit your lower lip and nodded.

"No keeping secrets. I need to know. What I don't know hurts me more," I said. "That kind of thing could send me off the edge of a very dark cliff; you know that. I won't allow it. I can't be left in the dark. Do you understand me?"

You looked at me knowingly and in a very serious tone said, "Yes, I do."

"I need time to process these things. I know myself and I know I can't feel left out..." Before I could finish you had my chin in your hand as you kissed my lips with your warm, soft mouth.

"I love you, Ad. I get you. I hear you."


	7. Chapter 7

We spent the rest of the day as inconspicuously as possible, staying at home to avoid anyone finding out we were in town. I ordered in from one of our favorite fine dining spots - _les poissons sur le grill, pour deux personnes_ \- grilled fish for two, and something with fruit and mousse for dessert, mostly just because it looked pretty and I wanted to feed it to you. It was lovely to enjoy time with each other, no distractions or interruptions. This time was such a rare commodity, and that fact was never lost on me.

After we ate, I rang Marianna in London. Without thinking my fingers found the numbered slots easily from muscle memory on the vintage rotary phone I kept in my office here. I smiled as I twisted each one around, thinking about how pudgy Alba's cheeks were getting and how jubilant Marianna looked when she held our little ray of light.

You picked up and I could already hear her in the background. "Well hello sweetheart." 

All at once, everything felt easy, like a clean, shiny knife easing through already softened butter. "Hi babe!" Your voice like sticky sweet honey, you always made everything so easy for me.

"How are things at home?" I played with the metallic bronze phone chord.

You listed off all kinds of activities that I had little interest in but knew you were loving. It satisfied me to hear how happy you were every day with her, and the new mom look was absolutely ravishing on you.

"I got a few outfits for her in Cannes. I think you're going to love them. I can't wait to show you. How many days is it now?"

"Four!" Of course you knew exactly. I wasn't lying when I said I couldn't wait to see you, because I genuinely did miss you and you had a way of always making me feel centered when I was around you. But I wasn't exactly rushing home either; I didn't think I'd ever be that way. I'd spent too many years on the road, without a home, and I think you understood and accepted that.

"How are things in paradise?" Your beautiful voice chimed back in over the thoughts that circled in my head.

"They're good," I didn't miss a beat. You knew about my relationship with Bono, but I didn't want to go into the heavy stuff. It didn't seem right to burden you with that now. I realized immediately what a hypocrite this made me, and I cursed myself for it, telling myself to do better next time.

"Bono and I are staying at the house in Cap Ferrat for a few days." I absentmindedly moved my hands in the air to reason with nobody but myself. "To get away from photogs."

You laughed. "Okay, whatever you need to tell yourself, Adam. It's fine."

"Yeah?" I pulled nervously on the perfectly smooth phone chord again.

"It's fine. I'm fine." You insisted. "Are you okay?"

I nodded, again trying to convince myself before it was a reality. "We're fine."

"Good. I love you. Do me a favor and have fun, okay?" I smiled, imagining you in Alba's room, arranging and rearranging her ridiculously expensive but somehow deeply satisfying designer clothes. "And bring the sun back with you, would ya?"

I laughed now. "Okay, I'll try. Love you Mar."

"I love you too baby," you said with your sweet smile coming through the phone lines full force.

When we'd said our goodbyes, I went to find you in the living room, where you were rummaging through my records. I'd had a special bookcase made just to store my vinyl collection. I liked to be able to see all of it in one place so I had the perfect-sized shelves made to house it within a media center that contained the television, sound system, and extra shelves for books and decorative items. You were up on your tip toes, peering at each sleeve in turn, even though you didn't need to be any taller to reach the shelf that held my records.

"I'm our DJ tonight," you claimed. "How's Mariana and Alba?"

"Great," I said as I relaxed back languidly into a chaise across from the wall where you continued your search. "They're both great."

"Good," You turned to look at me when you said that, and you smiled one of those infectious, warm smiles. The kind you and Mariana both possessed. You two made everything - all of this - look so easy. "I'm glad to hear that," you said before turning back to the vinyls.

"Ah, I found just the one!" You exclaimed and you plucked the record from the long stack. I couldn't wait to see what you'd chosen.

I didn't move a muscle, just watched you as you shift your whole body sideways over to the record player. You were so careful with my album sleeve, removing it and setting it gently to the side. You placed the shiny black disc on the dias, pulled the needle over gently, and started it up. As you turned slowly, I licked my lips. You made your way over to me, your steps hitting a slow, smooth beat that I didn't yet recognize, and I frown-smiled as you came to stand directly in front of me. I obviously hadn't listened to this one in a while.

After a few seconds I realized what song you'd chosen - Sade's _By Your Side_ played as you extended both your hands toward me. I grabbed them and pulled you down onto my body.

You kissed me slowly. You were just as warm as you looked. I held you close, my hands resting comfortably on your hips. I never wanted to let you go.

I let my thoughts disappear into your kiss. The slow, melodic bass beat poured out of the speakers all around us. A syrupy sweet voice lulled me to forget all my worries. I felt myself letting all my hesitations fade away, letting you surround me.

You moved your entire body over mine to the sexy, smooth rhythm. I melted into your mouth. I hardly realized you had my pants undone until your hands were inside them.

I pulled my t-shirt off over my head and unconsciously flexed my muscles. You took this as your cue to worship my chest.

I didn't have to will myself to do anything at this point. It all came naturally as I finally just let go.

I rolled you over onto your back, climbed on top of you, and proceeded to peel your clothes off one by one as I admired every inch of your skin - every scar, every freckle, every hair. I made a trail of kisses down your cheek and across your neck, over your chest, and down to your soft, sweet belly. I stopped there, letting my lips sink deeper into your body. You held my head in both of your hands and I laid against your stomach for far too long. I started to think about what you'd meant earlier; I couldn't help it. You could have been - could be - gone at any moment, taken from us too soon. I held onto your mid-section like a life raft and tears started to stream down my face. I made no motion to control myself.

You must have felt the salty liquid run onto your tummy, because soon enough you were pulling me up to your eyes. Without your glasses the look was even more jarring. I studied the slouching skin under your eyes, the swollen little bags. The crease running down and over your cheek. It looked painful. I didn't want to see the age in your face, but in this tender moment I did. I saw it stretched out over time - years and years of ups and downs. Good times, and bad, yes - but all shared between us. You reached up to my face and brushed my tears away with your thumb.

I didn't know what to say.

"I'm here, Adam, I'm real. I'm not going anywhere."

You held me as my body shook against you. I allowed you to hold me, to caress my face gently, to stroke my bare arms and chest. I let you see the full force of my fear.

I was still crying when you kissed me again and pulled my pants down, discarding them somewhere on the floor of the living room. I let you move my body into place. Your hands felt strong on my hips and back. I closed my eyes and imagined how strong you could be.

I buried my face in the chaise as your hands traveled all along my body, favoring my hips and thighs and lower back. I let my knees slide apart. Inviting, was I inviting?

Instantly your hands were exploring my thighs, inside and out, grabbing my skin gently but heedfully.

I wiped my face with my forearm and started to touch myself with my other hand. I heard a sharp intake of breath from you behind me. I arched my back ever so slightly more.

You could resist no longer and I felt your hard, naked body against my back.

Your sturdy grip on my hips was warm and needy. You rocked against me and pulled at my flesh. I could feel you, hard and hovering between my legs now.

I worked my own hand over the velvety smooth skin of my cock. A small moan escaped my lips, and moments later you pushed into me. I gripped myself harder and moaned louder.

It felt like you were inside and out of me all at once, like you held all of my being in your proverbial hand. I alternately relaxed and tightened around you, and I felt you shoot through me like a beam of light. I saw purple and red on the backs of my eyelids as I cried out your name.

The air around us felt crackly for what seemed like a century after we came. You held me in your strong, tough arms, and stroked my sweat and tear streaked chest with your commanding fingers.

"I don't doubt you for one second," I said to you in a hushed voice.

We fell asleep like that, crammed together on a tiny lounge chair in the moonlit living room, until we woke hours later and still knit together. I'm not even sure how we managed to move our tired bodies up to the bedroom, but I remember lacing my legs in yours under the clean white sheet before falling back asleep in your arms.


	8. Chapter 8

I woke to excrutiatingly bright sunlight streaming into the bedroom, and I immediately cursed myself for never remembering to close the curtains. I felt the sheets wrapped around my heavy limbs, but I didn't feel the weight of your body. As I lie sprawled out across the bed, I traced the lines and the shadows of the light on the floor while my eyes adjusted to the day. After a few minutes, I reluctantly rolled out of bed. I nestled my feet into some cozy slippers and trodded out to the kitchen quietly.

I found you sitting at the table with a newspaper spread out in front of you, certain pages pulled loose here and there; it looked like a complete mess to me. I didn't go directly to you.

"Good morning," I said softly, as I helped myself to some of the coffee you'd made, evidently a while ago.

You gave a small waving motion over your left shoulder, without turning, as you took another sip from your presumably cold mug.

"Would you like a warm up?" I offered.

"No, that's ok." Your eyes didn't leave the paper as you set your cup back down on the glass table with a thunk.

I stirred a bit of cream and sugar into mine and went over to join you. Making myself comfortable in the chair across from you, I crossed my legs wide with one ankle resting on the opposite knee. I sat silently, admiring the way you were so easily lost in your current endeavor.

"I think we should go lay some flowers in Nice before we fly out tonight," I said after a while of just watching you.

"White roses," you responded without a beat, as you flipped to another section.

"Yes," I took a sip from my steaming cup. "Perfect."

More silence from your side of the table. I almost hated that I was here to break your concentration.

"You're too sweet, you know that?" I said, taking another sip.

This got you to at least look up. "Oh yeah?" You raised an eyebrow.

I nodded, but waited for you to continue because I knew there was more.

"Because I try to make up for my transgressions with sexy songs and wild love making?" You couldn't even hide your impish little grin if you tried.

"Mmm," I stood up and went around the table, leaving my coffee where it was. You swept all your papers aside in one motion.

I came to stand close next to your chair, and you reached up to touch my violet robe, which hung open, exposing my bare chest and underwear. You scooted your chair back to get a better look, leaving just enough space between you and the table for me to straddle you with my backside resting against the glass.

"Mmmm indeed," you said as you placed a hand on either one of my thighs. "Not exactly what I had in mind for breakfast..." You cocked your head to the side and looked straight ahead at my package.

"Oh?" I didn't move, except to lean back slightly on the glass.

"I wasn't actually particularly hungry..." You licked your lips. "Until now."

I smiled and opened the far edge of my robe more, purple fabric falling in soft waves over the hard glass.

Your thumbs made small circles on my taught thighs, caressing sore skin.

"You'll have to remove the cloche," I said, eyeing my briefs that were growing tighter by the moment.

"If you help, maybe I'll tip you," you smiled warmly as I wiggled my ass and then lifted my feet and you slid them off like you'd done this a thousand times before.

You saluted me and I laughed even though I was beginning to ache with hardness.

I leaned back, my palms on the cool table, and closed my eyes. At first I felt your hand on me, your plump fingers stretching to wrap themselves all the way around me. And then came your mouth, perfectly made to fit my thickness in your warm lips. You licked me slowly, sashaying back and forth along the bottom, never letting your hand leave me. I could feel your hot breath escaping around me as you made sure to breathe.

Your breath made me feel dizzy, and I felt like I could just lay down there on the table and slide into another universe. You didn't help matters by choosing that exact moment to circle your tongue around me a few times. My robe fell away from my arms completely and pooled around my hips as it slid along the glass.

I wasn't even sure it was possible for me to get any bigger, but I felt as if I was growing inside you as you pulled and licked me.

Then you pulled my hips closer to you with both hands and your mouth softened against me, sucking with your lips now. Your tongue was flat and hot against me.

I arched my back and pushed into your mouth uncontrollably. _How on earth was I not choking you?_ I thought just before you began to make swallowing motions and it triggered me to come in your throat almost immediately. You held my hips firmly with both hands as you swallowed over and over. I shuddered as you finally breathed out against me. You let my cock drop back to my body only after placing a handful of tender kisses along the entire length.

A few hours later we were packed up, and a driver took us to Nice where we paid our respects before we departed for Madrid.


	9. Chapter 9

On Thursday you were busy with lots of charity work, and I had been instructed to do some shopping while I was in Madrid, so we didn't see each other for most of the day. The same goes for Friday during the day, because hair and makeup took an awfully long time here for some reason.

By the time I saw you again that evening, you were all tarted up in your red plaid and your fresh hair. I wanted to lick you from head to toe, but I behaved myself. I could hardly say the same for you...

You couldn't keep your hands off me. Not that I blamed you; I smelled like fresh leather and clean rocks that had been resting in a hidden cavern for a hundred years, untouched by human hands.

Our table was littered with enough lemon soda bottles and petit fours to feed the entire contingent of supermodels scattered throughout the room. You opted for rum and coke, discreetly hiding it on the other side of the table like I wouldn't notice. All the while Guy sat on my other side, scrolling through angry messages on social media.

Under the table, our calves rested against each other, and a few times you let your hand linger on my thigh between interviews and photos. There was a lot going on in the room, but you kept me grounded and focused on the moment. I was a bit nervous to speak later when we accepted our award, but I was prepared. It always helped when you had my back, sometimes literally, which made me laugh whenever I thought about it.

Later that night we went to dinner with Penelope and a few of her friends. She was a good friend, sometimes a proxy even, when you kissed her cheek or held her hand in front of the cameras. We could trust Penelope, but I wasn't so sure about the rest of the group with their cell phones snapping photos left and right the entire night.

I took a chance as the night wore on, when I pulled your arm into my lap and traced your bracelet around your wrist with my thumb. Your eyes, slip-sliding drunkenly all around my face, burned with intention. I smiled coyly and dropped your hand back at your side as I stood to leave.

You followed as quickly as you could manage, _besos_ for all the ladies before we were out the door.

"A miracle of a man..." you repeated in my ear as our driver took us back to the hotel.

I fingered your crimson scarf that draped into my lap. Your cheeks and neck were flushed.

When we'd finally made it behind closed doors, I grabbed you immediately and kissed you hard, my tongue pressing into yours, greedily exploring your mouth. The thick, sweet taste of rum and coke clinging to the inside of your cheeks and the softness of your tongue. I almost wished it wasn't just an aftertaste. I was still hungry for something, but I realized it was you. You alone, and not the alcohol.

You giggled against my mouth. It was fun to have you in this state though. I felt like I could suggest anything to you and you'd go for it.

I found your hand and draped it over the back of my neck for you. You leaned in to me, your body pliable.

I pulled back and grinned at you while I considered my thoughts for a moment. I usually didn't act so quickly on ideas, but I'd been thinking about something and I was feeling a little reckless tonight. You were so drunk you didn't even notice how long I'd paused.

I leaned in until my lips were almost brushing your ear. I wanted my voice to sound like you were underwater, or like you had headphones on. "I have an idea."

Out of the corner of my eye I could see your eyebrows lifted at this. You waited without a word, for someone who had an original idea literally every other second - some good, some terrible - you knew what a stark contrast I drew to you here - only ever sharing the spectacular ones.

I took a tiny breath and jumped without a net. "Maybe Edge would like to join us." It was out, like toothpaste, I couldn't take it back now. Only way out would be through.

You gasped, and even I knew it was a little more dramatically than you'd meant. You looked at me but didn't say anything, the entire pads of three of your fingers pressed to your lips.

"You heard me right," I assured. "You're not _that_ drunk." We both laughed a little.

"I'm surprised is all," you said, and I could hear your uneven breath.

You moved to steady yourself on my arm, and I slipped both my arms around your waist. "It could be...fun. It would probably be really hot." I shook you a little, you silly bastard.

You bit your lip.

"I know you're thinking about it. This is like your dream...to have more than one of your loves at once."

You nodded almost imperceptibly.

"I know Ali would never go for it, but maybe we can convince Edge?" I raised my eyebrows in a tiny shrug.

All of a sudden you started laughing uncontrollably. It made me smile, as I held you in my arms, shaking for an entirely different reason this time.

"Remember when you first suggested it to Ali?" I breathed out but it just came out as a small laugh too.

You laughed even harder.

"When we all lived together and you tried to convince her for at least two weeks that it would be a great idea and no way anyone would catch us, but she was adamant." I did my best Alison Hewson impression, " _Abso-fucking-lutely NOT!_ " I gestured wildly as I looked around the room. " _At any moment Edge could come walking in. This place isn't exactly a palace!_ "

You doubled over and I couldn't hold you anymore because I was laughing hard now too.

Since then, Ali had seen us kiss only a handful of times, but as I remembered with a fondness, it always turned me on in a way I found difficult to explain. I adored Ali, but it wasn't about the prospect of sleeping with her, or even of her seeing us together. Something about the idea of giving you the gift of that experience pleased me to no end.

"If only The Edge would come walking in," you said between giggles.

I studied your body language. You loved the idea, of course you did. I was okay with it, I realized I really was; I wasn't just saying it to myself as a pep talk this time.

"It actually does sound really hot," I said as you calmed yourself.

"You mean it?"

"Yes." I dropped my hands from your hips with a little push. "In fact, text him right now."

"He might need time to warm up to the idea." You smirked.

"I know. This gives him until tomorrow in London." I'd already thought through all this.

I licked my lips, as you pulled your phone out of your pocket and sent off a quick message.

"Well not everyone moves at the speed and with the grace of Adam Clayton," you chuckled.

I did a twirl and curtseyed as I waited for your reaction. You just gave me that look like you wanted to eat me and push me off a cliff all at the same time.

"So, what did he say?" I knew your phone was always on silent, and there was no way he took longer than a few seconds to answer your texts.

You checked your phone, and looked almost like an eight-year-old boy on Christmas morning. You looked up at me, but I already knew. "He's in."

I grabbed you and pulled you in towards me. "You'll have to tell him he's much easier than I thought he'd be."

"You can tell him yourself," you said before bowing and kissing the top of one of my hands.

"Adam, my Jazzman, my alchemist, my magician..." You made a flourish with your other hand. "I would love nothing more than to fuck and be fucked by you right now, but I think..."

"I think we should wait until tomorrow." I finished your sentence for you. "A little anticipation never hurt anyone." I smirked.

You feigned agony, throwing your head back with your hand over your eyes. "I'm in utter misery, my liege."

"Good. It suits you well."

We both went to the large walk-in closet to change. Our bags were already there, placed perfectly on opposite walls by some merciful soul who I could never thank enough. You changed into a pair of black sports shorts and a v neck t-shirt. I hung up my jacket, and pulled off my camo t-shirt and threw it back into my bag. I removed my jeans, boots, and socks, and made my way back to the bedroom carrying my toiletries bag and wearing only my briefs.

I climbed in bed and unzipped my small bag, dabbing a bit of cream onto my hands before applying it to my face, and rubbing the excess into my hands to get rid of it. You watched me from the other side of the bed like I was a big cat in the zoo.

"What?" I finally said.

"Nothing. You smell divine, you know."

"I know," I said as I closed the case and set it on the nightstand. Not revealing any of my other tricks.

You propped yourself up on your side with one arm on your pillow, your entire body turned towards me now.

I made myself comfortable underneath the sheets, and you frowned at me.

"Well that's no fun, now is it?" You looked down at the sheet, like you'd rather see through it to my body underneath.

"Go to bed," I scolded. "You'll get everything you want tomorrow."


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Welp, you're either going to think I'm a genius, or mental. Happy reading!

When we landed in London, the fog from the morning had already lifted. I went straight home to spend some time with Mariana and Alba.

I gave the baby a bottle while I told Mariana about the past week, all the places we'd traveled and people we'd seen, what the awards shows were like, how great the weather was, everything was as it should be at the house in France, etc. I left out some of the more personal details, but if she asked I was always prepared to share everything. I worried for a short time that I should tell her about Edge, but then I reasoned that I didn't actually plan to do anything _with him_ , so I'd wait on sharing that particular fact.

I even got in a sweet little nap with Alba while Mar made us sandwiches for lunch and got some much-needed alone time.

By the time I made it to Trafalgar Square, Edge was already practicing. Who was I kidding? He'd probably been setting up and practicing for at least a day by now.

It was so cold already and the sun hadn't even gone down yet. I didn't know how he did it, playing guitar without anything to keep his hands warm. I had on layers like any reasonable person would - a new wool coat, one of my favorite scarves, wind resistant pants, and my bee shoes - those were just for you. Last summer you'd told me they were your favorite of my sneakers, naturally.

You had on a gorgeous wool coat as well. It was an oversized version of a double-breasted pea coat; I was fairly certain it was a woman's style, but you were still drowning in it. That look always worked on you though because the extra-long sleeves not only allowed you to tuck your hands out of the cold, but also made you incredibly irresistible. You even looked taller.

I tipped my head to Edge, and he gave a warm hello back, but none of us had much time to talk before the set because we were all running late, except for Edge of course. The performance felt amazing, electric even. The kind of energy and tension that was in the air that evening was good for the band, it always had been, even if it wasn't always good for each individual member.

You said a prayer before you sang, and I kept repeating it to myself over and over throughout the set, _hummingbirds were stopping over honeysuckle flowers, there was no thing on earth I wanted to possess, there was no thing on earth I wanted to..._ No. I wanted to give you everything. My mind was made up.

You were still bee-boppin around for almost an hour after the show, so I thought I'd leave Edge to talk you off the wall. I got a car back to your hotel room and let myself in. I took a nice warm shower, filling the entire bathroom with steam as I lathered up and washed the elements away. When I was finished, I wrapped a luxuriously soft cotton towel around my waist and went to stand in front of the mirror. I examined every muscle, every scar, every wrinkle for an excruciatingly long time. I made a face, grumbling for a moment, as I realized my bag wasn't in your room this time around. I bit my lower lip, as my gaze circled the room, looking for something, anything resembling a toiletry bag in your possessions. I gave up and settled for some gel provided by the hotel, which left my hair a little too stiff for my liking. At least it would dry fast.

Luckily, I'd thought to bring a change of clothes, and I reluctantly hung my warm fuzzy towel up in the bathroom before pulling on a barely-big-enough t-shirt, along with my black jeans that have diagonal zippers that run along my thighs. I loved those pants. They were part of my wardrobe for the Innocence tour, but I'd kept them because I liked to imagine what I might put in those pockets...or rather what people thought I might put in them... In reality you could fit three things - a couple dollars, one or two condoms, and maybe a cock ring, depending on what size.

I grabbed myself a bottle of water from the mini fridge and made myself at home in the living room area of your suite. I noticed you'd reserved the larger room. I assumed Edge would be staying with you, so I wasn't sure where that left me. There was only so much of this I could plan out in my head. I took a deep breath and tried to clear my mind, tried to let go a little. I knew I would need to trust that everything would work out as it was supposed to in order to get through tonight in one piece.

Just then I heard giggling in the hall and the click of the lock on the door. I stayed where I was, propped up lengthwise on the couch, with my legs stretched out in front of me, and my bare feet up on the other arm at the far enough of the couch. I said hello and then took another sip from my water. I practiced my nonchalant look.

Edge's head turned towards me quickly as he backed into the room. I tried to notice all the positive things I could think of about him - his eyes sparkled, his stance was commanding even while his frame appeared delicate, his arms looked...great actually, his cheekbones...

"Hey Baby," You said sweetly, while giving me that same look from the other night, like you could worship my body like it was a temple, or just as easily feed me to the tigers. That look that let you get away with so much.

How did you do that? Make it look so easy. I found it impossible to doubt you in such instances. I was certain Edge felt the same, otherwise how did we end up here?

You let your hand slip out of Edge's grasp as you made your way over to me and leaned down to give me a kiss on the lips. My stomach was already doing flip flops. As you pulled away I looked over at Edge, who'd followed you and was standing near the other end of the couch with one hand in his pocket.

I sat up, placing my pedicured feet flat on the floor. "Great night tonight." I gave a measly attempt at small talk, which I was sure wouldn't last long. This was either going to work, or it wouldn't and that would be that.

Edge smiled, his cheeks salmon-colored, and looked like he might agree with me.

"About to get even better," You cut in. If we weren't already willing participants, I'm sure you were ready to talk us into it.

 _The only way out is through_ , I thought as I launched myself up and landed directly in front of you. Neither one of us hesitated when you pushed your hands into the hair at the nape of my neck and I grabbed your hips. The kiss was about to get even hotter as Edge stepped behind you and stroked the back of your neck lightly with his graceful fingers. When you broke away from me to lean back and kiss him, my mouth found your neck. You were moaning before we even got our clothes off.

I wanted you facing me; I wasn't willing to compromise on that, and it didn't take much to keep you there. I sucked on your ear lobe and licked your jaw line, I stroked your arm and then your chest, I wanted to see your eyes when I let him touch you and kiss you.

At some point he tried to turn you around to get a better angle on the kiss you were amidst, and I watched evade him to bite at my shoulder and my neck. I gave you all the access you wanted, and when you took my cock in your hand I looked right into your burning stare and then wretched my eyes away from your face with the utmost effort because I knew I had to stay in the present moment if I was going to have any semblance of keeping my composure. I found Edge staring back at me just over your shoulder, and I gave him a small nod.

I took you by the hand, and as I led you over to the bed your hand slid off my silky, hard skin and I immediately regretted having to move even an inch away from your touch. As he followed, Edge wet his hand and rubbed himself, obviously quite turned on too, although I noticed not quite as large as I was. I leaned back against the edge of the bed and brought your hand back to me.

You glanced back just as Edge came grinding up against your backside, looking needy all of a sudden. I took long, slow breaths as I watched the two of you kiss. I could see your tongue flitting in and out of his mouth. He couldn't stop moving, his mouth or his body. He touched you everywhere, writhing against you, unfocused. I wanted to help. I pulled you back towards me and leaned your upper body down smoothly, supporting your weight with my arms and chest, so Edge had better access. You found my waist with your hands and mouth and it was almost too much to stay standing, but I wanted to watch.

Your breath was ragged against the soft space next to my groin. It was a wet heat. As he entered you gently, Edge ran his hands soothingly up and down your spine, petting you like a cat. I was distracted for only a moment before your mouth was closed around me and I had to hold onto your shoulders to steady myself. Fuck. I thought I might come right away.

My mind started to tilt. There was too much happening at once to take it all in properly. It was excruciating at the same time that it was exhilarating. As I relaxed into the feeling, I realized I enjoyed the overstimulation.

Your lips were smooth as they glided over my creamy skin. You turned slightly as you gasped and rough stubble skidded along the side of my cock, sending a jolt to my entire body. It was like I could feel him every time he pushed into you. What a mind-fuck this was to watch.

His hands on your hips started to bother me, so I reach across you and took both of Edge's hands in mine. I just held them, his dainty hands cradled on top of my expansive palms. I could feel his cold calluses scratching along the supple, lotioned skin at the base of my hand just before my wrist. I don't know if I entirely believed in reflexology, but he was unconsciously rubbing my supposed pressure point for the prostate. I looked up at him, and he looked at me, and even though we both couldn't believe we were really here and this was really happening, an air of peace filled the room and it was like this was what we were pointing to all along. Like that feeling we get in the studio when suddenly a song clicks and we're all in another world, a new place, a place we created together. Somewhere no one else has the roadmap to, and even we're not sure what is the key.

The next morning I found myself not able to remember everything that had happened the night before. I used to know that feeling well, but it had been a long time since then. Certain details would come back in waves, and other times I found myself wanting to ask one of you for clarification. I admit, I started to think of it like that - one of you. Like equals in my mind? After all, you were the only other two who were there, who would know. As I replayed it all in my mind on repeat, _was I getting everything right? Did I imagine things that didn't really happen? Where exactly was my hand when he kissed your neck? Who's fingers dug into my hipbone as I thrust myself harder at you? Did he really bring my hands up to his lips after he was finished? Who whispered softly into my ear before I fell asleep?_


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We're taking a little flashback to an epic road trip in 87.

The sun glinted off the side view mirror and sharply into my eyes as we entered Arizona. Our spirits were still up and we were enjoying each other's company, even though the idea that a jangly old Jeep Cherokee was a good idea on this bumpy terrain had faded about three hours back. Still, I reasoned, we felt _manly_. We _were_ manly. Or at least I was manly, I thought as I glanced over at you in the passenger seat, you with your long hair pulled back in a ponytail and the sun sparkling off your large hoop earring as you rocked back and forth to the music. Johnny Cash was turned up loud and you were grooving.

I smiled as I rested my arm on the windowsill, my bracelets clinking together as they touched the metal of the car. I had a gold bangle to go along with my jade bracelet now; this one was from Sheila. However on again off again that relationship was, it seemed significant to me then. In fact, she would remain a significant figure in both of our lives for many years to come.

As I pulled off the highway in search of a local cafe, the daylight heat of the desert had just begun to cool. You undid your ponytail as we walked across the parking lot, and I admired your long, dark hair, flowing down over your bare shoulders. I followed you in, the glass door tinkled with a tiny bell that was attached to the top by a faded and fraying string that had once been red. The waitress sweeping the floor on the other end of the cafe barely looked up when we entered. We took a seat in a booth near the door and she greeted us with a warm smile and sticky plastic menus. She filled both our mugs with coffee and took her ticket pad out of the apron with light blue flowers tied loosely round her tiny waste.

"What can I get for ya'll?" The waitress drawled lazily.

"Pie," you said without missing a beat. "Whichever one you think's best." I was surprised your smile didn't melt her into a puddle of goo right there on her freshly swept linoleum.

"I'll have the same," I said simply when she finally turned to me with some effort. I smiled and she was off to the dessert case before it'd even reached my eyes.

The cafe was mostly empty. Two boys were sitting at the counter sipping banana milkshakes. I watched them as they laughed and filled their bellies together. It made me smile, and as I turned back to ask you something about them, I noticed out of the corner of my eye that you were watching me, not them.

I didn't say anything, and you looked like you might, but then the waitress was back with our pies.

"Cherry for you," She said, setting a positively bursting pie down in front of you. "And lemon for you."

"I couldn't choose which I like better," She said. It was perfect actually.

You almost laughed, but instead you picked up your fork and took a big mouthful of a bite and nodded and mmmed approvingly. She seemed satisfied and left us alone.

When we finished I left an unreasonable tip, and the door clattered after us when we headed back to the Jeep. Since we'd been inside the air had changed. It was heavy against my chest and the night smelled like rain. I stopped to fill up the car with gas before we found our way to the Desert Sky Motel. I felt a little bad for the guy who ambled up slowly to pump our gas. His belly stuck out below his white tank top, so very unlike mine. But, I thought, at least we almost blended in to the dress around here.

I fidgeted, not knowing what to do while we waited for him to finish the job, and looked over at you. You'd put your cowboy hat back on, and tipped the brim to him as he holstered the pump back into its resting place. I could barely see your eyes, so I wasn't sure what exactly you were up to. Maybe it was all just an act.

I got us checked into the motel while you waited in the car. Sure enough it has started to rain, clouds coming from seemingly out of nowhere. As I raced back to the car I had to dodge puddles that had started to gather. My sandals and the bottom eight inches of my pants were soaked by the time I had our bags safely in the door of our second floor room. I turned around to find you out on the balcony, leaning against the railing with your hands clasped in front of you, just staring out into the sky. You were completely drenched from hat to toe, but you didn't seem to notice that or the big booms of thunder raining down on you. I could see you, caught inside another world, caught in one of your songs maybe.

We hadn't talked about why we'd come out here - to the desert, on the road, away from everyone else. You were married now. I'd even been your Best Man; it was the least I could do, really. It had been a long time since we'd lived together and made wild suggestions for Ali to ponder and reject.

Regardless, there was always something between us, whether we chose to acknowledge it or not. Over the past few years we'd mostly chosen to ignore it, setting our sights on what was going on around us, instead of what was happening inside. But everything seemed different now. Things had gotten rocky at home, for both of us, and here we were having the best time of our lives out on the road, creating a new landscape for our dreams to live in. I guess neither one of us wanted it to end. And after all, we were students of America, and there was a lot to learn.

I pushed all the reasons I knew better out of my mind, and went to stand next to you on the balcony in the rain. My shirt was instantly soaked, the thin white fabric clinging to my chest and stomach, a trail of water making it's way down both sides of my pants. I could feel you staring at me as rivulets of rain made their home across my shoulders. I turned and watched the rain bounce off the brim of your hat, still shielding your eyes from the droplets falling from the sky. I hadn't expected to find your face wet with tears. You smiled at me and squinted sideways like an apology.

I grabbed your hand instinctively, and it instantly felt intimate standing there in the rain together, like we were in a smaller, more familiar space than out on a balcony in the middle of the desert, alone. Before I knew it I was kissing you, pulled toward you by the gravity of ten thousand moons. I smoothed my thumbs roughly over your cheeks, trying to press your tears out of existence. Your hat fell off and we left it there as we stumbled toward the open door of the single motel room.

The wet leather of your vest slapped at your skin as I tried to get it off. Once both of our tops were in a heap in the corner, you slid down the length of my body and I shivered with delight, wondering why on earth we'd waited so long. The heat was still there. It was easy to ignite.

Your hands grabbed at the front my pants, making me harder by the moment, and I wrestled them down as quickly as I could. You held my burning cock in your wet hand, and watched it with a grin as you began to work your hand back and forth. Lightning cracked through the sky outside, the flimsy curtain barely meeting either side of the one window; followed by a deafening blast of thunder. It was like you couldn't hear or see any of it, your entire being focused like a laser on me and only me. You watched me, you looked into my eyes and saw everything I ever wanted in life spread out on a table fit for a king. You saw me, you witnessed my desire, in my heart and in my body. I felt vulnerable, but at the same time I felt free. Like a Roman candle, I was ready to explode.


	12. Chapter 12

In the morning the room looked stale and dust particles alternately hung and floated in the air with light bouncing off of them here and there. As my slumber faded away from me, I found my arm wrapped around you - the littlest of all my spoons. I always found myself wanting to protect you. It had been just over six months since we were last in Arizona and I'd taken a proverbially bullet for you. After the show you'd been angry with me.

"Adam, how could you do that?" You raged.

"It was an easy decision. You're too precious," I reasoned.

"You should have let me face those demons." Your eyes were burning bright, and you looked madder than usual after a set.

"No, B, the world needs you."

"They need you too... We need you."

"Listen B, there's no we without you." I clasped my hand over your shoulder and held it still for a second, giving you a stern look. I hadn't taken my bass off yet and it hung awkwardly between us.

"That is too much of a sacrifice," you said solemnly.

"It is exactly how much I'm willing to give up for you."

You were snoring softly as we lay there like that. I didn't want to move. For some reason I couldn't bear the thought of being the distance of even the next seat over away from you. Your hair lay in a mess across my pillow. I pushed the smooth strands back and forth with the side of my hand until they were arranged neatly. You stirred and I helped roll you gently toward me. We laid there like that for a few moments, just blinking at each other.

"Truth and Consequences," You said in your rough and groggy morning voice.

"What?" I squinted without my glasses.

"Truth and Consequences, that's where we're headed next." You paused for an overly dramatic moment and then added, "It's a town in New Mexico."

The confusion melted off my face, and I laughed, "Oh. Yeah."

You propped yourself up on your elbow, long hair draping delicately behind you. I wanted to kiss you right then and there. You were like a painting.

"I know, let's play Truth or Dare!" You said with a mischievous glint in your eyes.

When I agreed you almost bounced on the bed with excitement. "Ok, I'll go first. I want a dare," I said.

You hardly had to think about it. "I dare you to go streaking around the motel with me right now."

We both grinned. "You know that's barely a dare for me, B." We were already pulling off what little clothing we had on.

The sun was so bright I could barely see where I was going as I started to run down the length of the balcony. I hadn't bothered to put my glasses on yet either, which was fine because then I wouldn't see the looks on anyone's faces if they happened to be out already.

I could hear you giggle as you slammed the door behind us, and I was already descending the stairs as you bounced along behind me. I streaked past the empty pool and rounded the corner of the building, where all I found was a crumbling sidewalk and stairs back up to the rooms every 30 feet or so. I ran all the way to the end, past curtains that were alternately open and closed. I smiled to myself, thinking of the cleaning lady going about her business dusting and vacuuming, only to look up and see the pair of us bounding past the picture window she stood in front of. I almost hoped at least one person saw us, otherwise what's the point?

When I got to the other end I peered around the corner, checking if the coast was clear between us and the office/check-in across the way. It was still early and we were good, so I made a run for the stairs and back up to our room. When I got to the door I realized I didn't have a key, in fact I didn't have anything with me but you. You were still giggling when you finally caught up to me and opened the door. I pushed your warm naked body into our room and we both collapsed on the first bed in a heap of laughter.

"Ok, thank you. That was fun." You laughed between big breaths as you rolled back and forth. The bed springs were as loud as a radiator heater in an old house.

I rolled off the bed and grabbed my glasses off the nightstand before I pulled on a pair of black sweatpants.

"Your turn. Truth or dare, Bono?"

You got quiet and thought long and hard, still laying on the bed fully nude. "Truth," you said finally.

I wanted to make this one count, so I didn't jump to my response too soon, but I had already been mulling this over.

"Why are we here?" I asked pointedly, looking around the room so you knew I meant right here, right now, and not in some kind of existential way.

You thought for a second, probably trying to decide between cheeky and deep. Your playful side won out. "To have the journey of a lifetime - a musical odyssey in the heart of this beautiful country!"

I frowned.

"Oh come on, it'll be fun...."

"If I had a penny for every time you said that..." My look turned into a frown-smile, but I wasn't letting you off the hook so easily. "No, really, you know what I mean, Bono. Why are we - _here_ \- right now - _together_? Just us?" I emphasized the words gently with my hands.

You took longer than a second this time to think through the actual words that you allowed to come out of your mouth. Still naked, you suddenly looked vulnerable and I had the urge to wrap you in a blanket and hold you in my arms.

You started slowly, "I need you... I need something pure and good, and that makes sense." You shifted your weight uncomfortably. "Ali is mad at me. I can barely stand the sight of Edge right now."

This stung a bit. I tried not to take it like I was an afterthought, here for you when everything else didn't work out. At least, I didn't think that's how you meant it... Or maybe it was true. I wasn't sure. I shook my head in an attempt to brush away the thought as you continued.

"Everything has been crazy over the past year. I need an anchor. A North Star. I need you."

I just stood there for a minute like an idiot, with you looking up at me expectantly. Of course you were expecting me to say something after all that, but I felt like a bear just inches away from a trap. Finally I sat down, the bed creaking expectantly under both of our weights, and took your hand in mine. I just held you there like that for a few minutes and we studied each other's faces, searchingly. Eventually it became too much and we had to look away and face the day. It was much easier than facing the answers to the questions we found in each other then.

Over the rest of that day we made our way toward Truth or Consequences. We drove through the Painted Desert in silence and awe. You spent most of the time jotting little epiphanies in your notebook. I spent most of the time considering what you'd said. We listened to music and talked about friendly things, but I don't think either of us really heard any of it. It was all just background noise to the reels going inside our heads.


	13. Chapter 13

The truth is I woke up in the middle of the night and went home. I forced myself to not take a second glance toward the two of you, obviously nestled together on the king-sized bed in the farthest reaches of my peripheral vision, as I hustled my clothes on and crept out of the room without a sound.

I parked my car in the garage and tip-toed into the house, trying not to wake anyone. I couldn't allow myself to climb into bed with Mar. I felt like I'd ruined everything. The least I could do was not disturb her. So I layed like a cadaver on the couch downstairs, laced my fingers together around my mid-section, and starred at the ceiling blankly.

I was immediately flooded with regret. How could I do this to my precious family? I'd basically lied by omission, breaking our sacred bond, and leaving us both vulnerable to a world of hurt and poor choices. Not to mention how unfair it all was to our child, who's future was now uncertain because of my wrongdoings. How could I do this to the band? I was nearly certain it would ruin us - I'd finally do us in. As if I hadn't done enough to put our path in jeopardy in the past. I felt bad for Edge, who'd allowed himself to be talked into something so foolish and temporary. I felt bad for you, toying with your emotions and complicating our relationship beyond belief. I felt bad for our wives, none of whom deserved any of this. I even felt bad for Larry, who would surely feel left out in some way. After a while I got up and started to pace. Why was I like this? A home-wrecker? A life-ruiner? A scumbag? I wasn't sure what to call myself. I wanted to die.

After all, this had been my idea. This had all been my idea actually. From the first time I let me hand linger on your arm for far too long, causing you to give me that look that unraveled it all. Unraveled me, completely undid me, and did me in. It had all been so easy from there on out, like cracking open the fifth beer of the night for the third night in a row. No one even noticed how quickly it progressed.

How could I live with myself? How could I look in the mirror every day? How would I ever be able to sleep again at night? It was obvious that sleep would not be on the agenda for me tonight.

I started to imagine a fresh bottle of whisky - the seal snapping open with an easy turn of my hand, collecting dusty glasses from the cupboard and cleaning them out with a swish of my finger, the sacred sound of the amber liquid pouring in, cupping the heavy glass in both my hands and bringing it up to my nose, inhaling the sweet aroma as what little light there was left in the dim room danced along the surface of the drink.

I thought back to that night we spent together in Memphis - where I drank too much and you asked me to stop but I couldn't. I thought back to Sydney, where I'd lost control again and almost ended the band. I thought about the airport in 89. I thought about when I finally left for rehab. There were so many moments where I was just dragging us down. I sat down on the edge of the couch and buried my face in my hands, holding my breath and just waiting. Maybe this awful feeling of dread would disappear if I just let it go, but I wondered would a piece of myself go with it?

After a moment, my mind wandered to the precise pressure of Edge's hands on my hips, and how I'd wanted his hands on other parts of my body. I recalled the way his chest felt against me as he kissed you with such passion. How I'd wanted to push him down and kiss him back. The way his lips brushed over my cheek as he whispered goodnight. Was all of him that soft? I found myself curious, wanting to know more. Wanting to know him in a new way. Was I...did I want to be with him? Was I jealous of him? Or of you? Perhaps naively, I hadn't expected to feel any of this. I hadn't meant to do this. Maybe I was just projecting. Honestly, I wasn't sure of anything anymore. How could I want this? What exactly was it that I was wanting?

I wanted to give you this, wanted to give you everything on Earth, but I felt myself self-destructing as it happened. I had desires too. I hadn't even known I wanted more until I had a taste of it. I was so confused. I felt dirty, alien, wrong. But it all felt so right at the same time. I thought to myself, _sometimes you give and you give and you give yourself away, and you feel like you just can't win._ This was certainly one of those times. I had given everything; given you everything you wanted; given as much of myself as I possibly could. _And_ , I could hear your voice inside my head, _maybe, just maybe, that is the point at which you have nothing left to lose._ At this point, maybe I had no other option, but to keep going. To fuck it all up if that's what was meant to be. But it didn't feel like a fuck up. It felt exactly right to give you both all of myself. At least then I wouldn't feel like I was losing myself, slipping away. If I had the two of you to hold onto me.

 

***

 

It was a Holiday Inn. I remember that well because even the idea of a cheap, plastic franchise seemed so out of place in a town full of the complete opposite. The Holiday Inn was surrounded by trading posts, mom and pop shops, street vendors, artists and artisans. It was a terra cotta jewel in the parched desert. I'll never forget Santa Fe.

I woke to your voice, _In this heartland, Heaven knows this is our heartland, Heartland, heartland._ It was your best attempt at singing quietly over in the far corner of the room.

I rolled over to face you, blinking blearily in the crisp daylight, the sheet hardly concealing my bare skin from my torso down. I watched you crinkling your brow as you fingered the guitar. Finally you felt my gaze on you and noticed you were no longer alone. You smiled warmly at me as I said good morning, and I got the feeling you didn't want to spoil the air with words as you watched the sun light track its way up and over my exposed thigh.

When you finally spoke, it wasn't what I had expected. "You feel like water in my hands, Adam. I can't hold enough of you at once."

I subconsciously brought my hand up along my thigh as you continued. "This road, this drive is like a knife in my heart. There are so many things I want to say to you. My love for you, it's...it burns me, it's like poison rain." You paused and brought your fingertips up from the guitar to touch your lips. "I'm scared to drown in the flood of it." You wore the look of a fawn in the middle of a fateful road late at night, not the look of a beloved internationally known rock star who'd just finished sold out tours across the US. You constantly intrigued me. It made me want to give you pieces of myself that I'd never given to anyone.

"I don't want it to change." I was firm.

"But don't you see, Adam? That's the point." You shifted and put the guitar down on the table. "It's always changing. It will always be changing."

You continued before I could protest. "Just like you will always be changing. Your love will change too. You can't hold onto it like tiny spoons or polaroids."

"I don't want it to stop."

"Oh Ad," You cocked your head to the side and starred at me for an excruciating moment where I wanted to disappear completely. "I don't think I could stop even if I tried."

 

***

 

My phone vibrated on the side table just above my head, and I could feel it in the still air of early morning. I rolled over and reached for it, already knowing it was you.

I clicked to accept the call but didn't say anything. I didn't know where to start.

"Ad?" You sounded hesitant.

"I'm here." I said quietly.

You sighed softly into the receiver. "You alright?" I could then hear you hold your breath. Were you contemplating if you really wanted to know the answer to that question? Probably. It was obvious something was up since I hadn't stayed the night.

I decided the truth was the least complicated route. "I wasn't, but I am now. I think." 

"I'm on my way," You said resolutely.

"You don't have to do that."

"I know." I could hear you wrestling with something.

"Are you already in the car?"

"Of course. I'll be there soon." You hung up and I just starred at the phone. A few hours ago I had been contemplating ruining my life and throwing away everything I'd worked for all these years. It was like you knew what was going on in my head; you sensed I needed your presence in order to correct course. Even after all these years of sobriety, it would be so easy to slip up. One moment had the potential to change everything. I was grateful for your natural inclination to jump to action.

I watched for you by the entrance, light already starting to peek through the glass block wall, and met you outside in the drive so we didn't wake anyone. It was still very early and I rubbed my bare arms in the brisk air. The temperature was almost uncomfortable, and I found myself wanting to be somewhere else. I was immediately jealous of your well-rested look and your jacket.

"You didn't have to leave him," I said flatly. It was not lost on me that you'd left Edge at the hotel to immediately come to my house.

"He's fine. Actually he's more than fine. I think you blew his mind a little last night." You couldn't resist grinning at this.

I just shook my head. "Ok, whatever you say Bono."

You stepped closer to me and my body was so tense as you wrapped your arms tightly around me. It was like you knew I needed all my bits squeezed back in; knew that I felt as if pieces of me might float away and disappear if someone didn't grab them quickly and put them back together.

I let my head drop to your shoulder and heaved a sigh. With a shaky breath I let out the words that had been at the tip of my tongue all night, "What is wrong with me?" I felt so dark, despite the bright light of day that surrounded us.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow I'm sorry this chapter took much longer than expected to come to fruition, because life. Thanks to everyone who has stuck with me through this story! This chapter should start to bring it all together and resolve some things. This one is hard and complicated and full of mixed messages from B, but I promise there's a reason for it all. Past B had to learn some hard lessons, just like present day A has had to; too bad I had to make Adam get hurt so much in this chapter. Anyway, luckily it's still sexy. I've also updated the summary of the work overall, so that might provide additional clues as to where I'm going with the next and final chapter...

I crinkled my eyes and laughed when I saw the blue and white sign that read "Welcome to Arkansas."

"The natural state, eh? We should pick up some reefer while we're here," I started to say when the car made a sputtering sound.

"Uh oh," you looked down at the hood as if you could somehow see right through the metal and diagnose the problem, even though I knew full well you wouldn't have the slightest clue what any of the parts were even called. This wasn't the first sign of trouble with our mode of transportation.

It was hot and humid, and we had driven most of the way with all the windows down. Our skin was worn and darkened from long days in the sun and wind. The a/c was long since shot.

The car chugged forward and I gripped the steering wheel harder. It seized again and made a terrible sound before coming to a slow stop as I aimed toward the gravel shoulder.

You looked over at me, sweat dripping down the side of your face. You hadn't even bothered to pull your hair back today.

I opened my door and hopped out. Lifting the hood, I did a slightly better job of pretending like I knew what I was looking for. I shrugged, and unconvinced I said, "I guess we hitch a ride?"

You were already up along the road with your thumb out. "All part of the adventure, my friend!" You yelled gleefully. I rolled my eyes and joined you reluctantly.

Eventually a guy in a red Corvette slowed, and with his arm over the passenger seat, he looked back at us and waited. We jogged up to his car and said hello.

I saw you wipe the sweat from your brow out of the corner of my eye as he greeted us.

"Where you two headed?" The clean-shaven man asked.

"Memphis," We both said at the same time and looked at each other. All three of us exchanged smiles.

"As it happens, I'm going that direction too."

That was all the invitation you needed. The gentleman got out and pulled his seat forward so we could squeeze in the back together. My hand accidentally grazed your knee as I scooted over in the seat, trying not to hit my head on anything.

"Aren't you guys from that band, what's it called?"

"U2!" You practically shouted as he started up the engine.

"Oh yeah. U2." He began to pull off onto the road again as he fumbled with the stereo's control knobs. "Hey want to hear something funny?" He didn't wait for either of us to respond. "One of your songs was just playing on the radio." He finally found the button he was looking for and the end of Streets started to play through the speakers right behind our heads. Now you were rolling your eyes.

Just then the next song started to play. The first few notes came on and they sounded so much more powerful than our song, and then the bass kicked in and I looked over at you incredulously. Your mouth was actually hanging open as the rest of the Def Leppard song played. Our new friend in the front mouthed the words _"Pour Some Sugar On Me"_ and drummed his fingers on the top of his steering wheel. I made a mental note that we needed to not be afraid to try new things.

 

***

 

Your hands gripped my arms tightly as you pulled me away from your warm body get a good look at my face, always trying to read me.

"Adam, there is nothing wrong with you. What are you saying?"

I studied the details of your eyes, each spoke reflecting another piece of the sky and the earth in turn like tiny shiny prisms that joined together to form a kaleidoscope of serenity. If I could just meditate on each one for a minute I was sure I could reground myself.

"Adam?" I could tell you were trying to be patient with me.

I shivered. It was an effort to try to hold it all in, an effort that was becoming too difficult to bear. "I..." I started and then I stopped a few times. You took my hands in yours, trying to calm me. "I liked it, Bono. I want more of it. I think I need to be with multiple partners. I mean, I liked seeing you with him." Once it was out there, I couldn't hold back. "I like that he knows you're with me too. I need this. I....I don't know. Is this wrong? It doesn't feel wrong. But I feel guilty and shameful and awful for all the people I'm hurting. Why do I want something so awful? I thought maybe marriage would change me, but I...I still want this. I still have all this love left."

You were nodding. "Adam, I think you have more love to give than most people. And that is a gift. There is nothing wrong with you. You are not broken, let me assure you." You embraced me again, and this time I felt some of your warmth transfer over to my body. I let it seep in.

"You are not hurting me, Adam. And you are not hurting Edge. If anything, I worry that we'll hurt you." You continued to reassure me. "And Mariana will be fine. She knew what she was getting into a long time ago. She is a strong, smart woman. She understands. This much I know."

A panic raced back to my heart. "But the band? I can't live without the music. The fans. The production. I'm not ready for it to end." My eyes felt red.

Running both your hands over my shoulders and down my arms repeatedly, you hushed me. "We're not going anywhere. We'll figure it out like we always do."

You were right. We always did. We'd been through a lot together. "I couldn't live with myself if it was my fault..."

"Larry will just have to deal with us heathens," You smirked and winked at me. "That wanker."

My burning eyes found your glittering swimming pools again, and I felt like they might overflow.

"Are you sure I'm not hurting you, B? I know it's a lot to ask you to stay with me and give you less than everything."

"Ad, a very wise woman once told me that we don't belong to each other. We choose love. Our love is free. It has to be, or it's not true. It doesn't belong to anyone. Each of us is free to share it with whomever we wish. I can't direct your love, just as I can't dictate what Ali does with her love. It doesn't work like that. And I'm sorry if I ever made you think otherwise."

With your hand, mostly concealed by your long coat sleeve, you touched your chest, right above the scar that I knew was hidden underneath layers of fabric. "Plus, your name is already in my book. I can't undo it."

 

***

 

Our ride dropped us off about six hours later at a friend's house on the outskirts of Memphis. The sun had already set and the stars were out. The humidity let up a bit, which was a relief. We were staying with Robert and his friend Lian. After we explained the day we'd had, and the fact that we had to abandon our Jeep on the side of the road in another state and had no idea yet how we'd make the rest of our intended trip, we were looking to blow off some steam.

"Where can we go to party here?" I asked.

"Somewhere with great local music," You added.

We ended up in a hot basement surrounded by no one we knew, but having the time of our lives. The home brew was flowing and it was easy to find a friendly person to share a joint with. I sat next to you on a pilling brown and yellow plaid couch and we exchanged grins every now and then as we drifted along with the low mellow tones coming from overused speakers in every corner. No one here knew our names. I felt free, but not free enough to hold onto you like I wanted to.

My thoughts drifted to what you'd said the other day. _You feel like water in my hands. I can't hold enough of you at once._ I found myself alone with only one clear thought that night. I wanted to show you how you could. I could show you, I thought, even if I had to make you see.

At some point, the man everyone was waiting for showed up. His name was Junior and he immediately replaced those deep, soothing notes with an animalistic sound I'd never heard before. I decided I could listen to him sing the blues for the rest of my life.

I looked over at you and through the haze of smoke and alcohol I watched you with your head leaned back, body slouched deep into the collapsing form of the couch, both your legs spread wide, and your arms slack at your sides with a glass jar barely hanging in the grasp of your hand on the other side of your body. You had a smile on your face, and though your eyes were closed, I could see your lids moving as your eyes darted back and forth in time to the music. You were completely blissed out.

I took a long, slow look around the room. Robert had retreated to somewhere unknown to us. No one here knew us. I decided I could chance it.

I moved my body over towards you so my leg was fully pressed up along yours. I watched you for any hint of a reaction, and you just fluttered your eyes open slightly with a warm smile and then went back to your mental masterbation. I could inhale your scent from this close, and I filled my lungs with a mix of something sweet like peaches, something sharp like liquor, something dirty like this old basement, and something bright like sunshine and wind in your hair. I wanted to taste it and touch it, and just then I found my hand on the inside of your thigh.

In my mind it was like slo-mo, my long fingers spread out as far as they could reach, taking up an impressive plot on almost half the length of your upper leg. It felt like I'd lived there for ages and everyone and everything else in the room melted away from my consciousness. Then I saw your eyes snap open and you moved away from me faster than you could get any words out.

I grabbed possessively for your arm, and you forced my wrist down with your other hand as your empty glass crashed to the floor. You jumped up and a look of intense anger burned in your eyes.

You shot a hushed "No" at me, and went to find someone who could help clean up the glass.

"We've got to get out of here," you said to me not ten minutes later. Time was becoming irrelevant anyway. None of it mattered to me as my head swam along, mixing the music and the gin and the hash.

We'd lost our friends to the party and found another way home. Honestly I'm not even sure how we got back to Robert's place, but by the time we did I couldn't think of a single other thing but to get you in bed and I didn't have a care in the world as to any of the consequences - not being found out, not what anyone would say, not even what you would say.

I could tell something had been bothering you since the beginning of our trip, but you hadn't said what. I had a feeling it was something about us, about what we were doing together, again. Had something changed since you got married? Maybe that was it. I wasn't sure and I almost didn't care. You'd practically said you loved me, and I was of a singular mind since that moment.

Once we were alone you were a different person. You closed the door. I touched your arm, and all the anger melted away. 

"I'm sorry I pushed you away," You whispered.

I shook my head and held you as I kissed you. It had been torture listening to someone sing low melodies all night long about stripping off your clothes and making love, without acting on it. My hands trailed down your back and around your luscious hips. I was lost in our rhythm, the subtle back and forth.

My voice sounded separated from my body when I heard the words come out. "I want to make love to you." If I wasn't positively floating, I might have been surprised by myself. We hadn't actually ever had intercourse. We'd come close, and of course we'd gotten each other off in a myriad or other ways before. But for some reason actual penetration had always felt forbidden. Until now. I had this feeling like I wanted to be one with you. I wanted to be as deep in you as I could get. It was more like a need than a want, if I actually admitted the truth.

My face was buried in your soft, sweet hair when you breathed out an equally needy _yes_.

I played with the thin scarf tied around your neck and ran my fingers down through the warm hair on your chest as it rose and fell unevenly. I unbuttoned your shirt, allowing me full access to enjoy the unholy view of your body affixed like a depraved gift with a glistening crucifix for a ribbon. I licked my lips as I allowed you all the time in the world to remove my suspenders and my top. Then I took off my pants and discarded them like an afterthought.

 _Slow, slow, slow_ , I reminded myself. I wanted to make this night last forever.

I was so hard, but I forced myself to concentrate. I sucked your earring into my mouth gently and laced my tongue through the hoop; then I let the heavy silver drop from between my lips and ran the tip of my tongue up your earlobe and around to the back. Your moan was soft, but building.

I almost jumped when your hands grabbed for my cock, but I redirected you tactfully. "Let me drive," I said softly. You nodded and I could see your throat move up and down out of the corner of my eye.

I wrapped both of my hands around your hips and with them flat against as much surface as possible, I pressed them into your lower back ever so slightly. I held you like that as I watched you fall apart with need, kissing me back harder with each passing moment. I felt you loosen in my grip. I let you do the unraveling all on your own.

"Tell me how much you want it," I said with something deep and dark in my voice, coming out almost as a growl. I couldn't look you in the eyes.

You hesitated and then whispered into my ear, "I want to feel you inside of me." My stomach turned inside out as I was filled with desire. I hardly knew myself now.

With that, I picked you up and carried you to the bedroom. I stripped you entirely and knelt over you. You only looked slightly uncomfortable on your back under me and I thought maybe it was just nerves, so I pressed on. I could be brave enough for both of us.

"Think you could help me out a bit here?" I motioned to myself and you knew exactly what to do here. As your hand reached my cock and you began slowly with your tongue, smooth and supple, I moaned your name. I couldn't do anything but brace myself by planting both my hands firmly on my own hips. I felt like a God, even as I held back.

Eventually I couldn't wait any longer, and I reached down toward you. My body came down on top of you and we were face to face. I relished the intimate, up close look I had when I touched your shaft, your tip, and moved my hand lower still. Your face turned shades of pink I'd never seen before - like a Pink Lady apple but softer, like the color of nail polish respectable girls wear, like the most unhurried sunset stretched out over a long night in the Bahamas, like places I'd never been before, like I imagined you looked on the inside.

I applied some lube hastily, the cool touch causing a slight jolt to my system. As you watched me, I helped you curl both your legs up to your chest.

 _Soon, soon, soon_ , I was thinking. I wanted to show you how you could have it all.

Before I knew it I was deep within you, falling, falling, falling over the side of a cliff. It was dark and it was clear at the same time. Stars were in my eyes.

I realized I'd never felt anything quite like it. As I moved above you, I slowly opened my eyes and found yours staring back at me. Everything about you was wide open. I didn't break my gaze, and neither did you, as I worked back and forth without you moving much. You were completely vulnerable, every look and emotion bared for me to see. I ascertained now that you weren't making a sound either, and this sobered me completely. As much as I wanted to continue, I couldn't make you.

I pulled out and went to reach out to you as you rolled away from me. There was a deafening silence as you tucked your body into yourself.

"I've only ever done that with Ali," You gasped faintly, with your fingertips at your lips.

I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to do. I could feel you drowning in some kind of shame and guilt that I couldn't comprehend.

Eventually you sat up and faced me. You started slowly, but by the end it was all becoming a blur. "Adam, I don't know why you think that we can love more than one person, because you're wrong. I can't do this with you. We're hurting people. I want to be good and true to Ali, even when it's hard. I don't want to hurt her. We can't do this anymore."

"But I love you." I couldn't believe I was saying this. Actually saying it, out loud.

"I don't want this anymore."

I practically shouted, "I can't stop. I won't stop."

"My heart belongs to her. I can't do this." You were practically pushing me away with your words now.

"Fine," I relented and got up to find my clothes and the cold, lonely couch. Tears filled my eyes, but refused to spill out and leave me alone. I felt like I would never be the same.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like this last chapter! It's been a fun and winding ride! If you haven't already, check out the [companion playlist on Spotify](https://open.spotify.com/user/1246323136/playlist/6T2Wt8nIVp1wxOgWzT2Oxj?si=vXb4SRUkR_2GZEvSDQm99Q) that I created to go along with this story.

"What are you two doing out here?" A clear and delicate voice sounded through the crisp air, and I saw your eyes dart to the front of my house.

You put a hand up to wave and the other fell from my shoulder when I turned to find Mariana standing in the doorway. As I tried to think of an acceptable excuse, you responded right away. "Good morning, m'dear!"

She smiled genuinely back at you. "Fancy seeing you here so bright and early." Mariana looked around like she might find some kind of answer right there on the street in front of our house.

"We were just having a good talk," you beamed like a ray of sun. I smiled weakly and waited; what other choice did I have?

"It's quite chilly out. Won't you come in and I can fix you both some tea?" She already held a steaming cup in her own hands, the bottom edge balanced deftly on the tie of her blue marbled cotton robe. Somehow she managed to look just as devastatingly beautiful first thing in the morning. I immediately felt unworthy of everything I possessed.

I looked over at you, comfortable with whatever decision you made next. "That sounds lovely!" You practically bounced up the steps, and I followed you in, giving Mariana a squeeze and a light kiss on the lips when I reached the top.

The baby cooed in a bassinet stationed just between the living room and kitchen, and you went right to her. Looking back at Mariana, you raised your eyebrows in a "Can I?" She nodded and you scooped her up gently, more gentle than I think I'd ever seen you. Holding her out in front of your face with both hands, you whispered softly to her. "You are going to be a beautiful young lady, and kind, and generous, and caring......"

You sang a few bars of Bob Marley, " _Rise up this morning. Smile with the rising sun.... Three little birds by my doorstep, singing sweet songs of melodies pure and true. Saying, this is my message to you-ou-oo._ " You briefly paused as you looked up at me, and then continued. " _Don't worry about a thing. Every little thing is gonna be alright._ " It was surely as much for my benefit as it was for Alba.

"You could not be more lucky," You told her. "You have the best parents in the whole world." I stood watching you, with my hand on Mariana's back. You smiled warmly as Alba's sleepy eyes batted closed contentedly again.

Mariana went to heat more water as you laid the baby back down tenderly. I had this unexplainably serene feeling. Maybe family is whatever we want to make it after all, I thought. This is love.

I looked over at Mariana, tending to the kettle, she carried a pleased expression on her face. I looked back at you, smiling down at my sleeping baby, my own flesh and blood. I realized everything about this moment felt exactly right, so world-be-damned if it was odd. It couldn't be wrong.

After giving her a long, thorough gaze of adoration, you finally turned and walked toward the counter, looking like you had a million thoughts on the tip of your tongue.

"We should probably chat elsewhere," Mariana whispered, shooting a soft glance toward the now soundly sleeping baby.

I nodded, my hands on top of the cool countertop next to you, and we all stood there in a comfortable silence, exchanging smiles and glances. When we could hear the water begin to dance, but before the kettle hissed, Mar removed it from the heat and poured two fresh mugs and topped hers off.

Cupped in careful hands, we each took our warm nectar downstairs, to the scene of my restless night, and somehow it all looked different in the light of day. After years of practice we both took a seat unintentionally too close to each other on the couch, and Mariana made herself comfortable in the arm chair on the end. We all looked at each other, none of our eye contact yet uncomfortable, but the air was becoming palpable. I sipped my tea quietly.

"We're all adults here." This was comical coming from you and I couldn't entirely stifle a small chuckle. I lowered the cup from my lips at the exact right moment, and set it on the table in front of me. You looked at me pointedly, but smiled too.

Mariana, being the most grown up of the three of us, took the lead. "So what were you talking about?" I admired her directness.

I looked at her. I looked at you. You put your hand on my knee.

Naturally, I didn't want to disappoint her, but I had the feeling that no matter what I said I was destined to let her down somehow.

She could tell I was having a hard time, and as always tried to ease me into it - whatever it was. "Listen," she began patiently but firmly. "You're not going to tell me anything that shocks me."

I wrung my hands several times. You patted my knee as you smirked. "Oh, I don't know about that."

"Bono." I looked at you like I was about to give you detention. I wrung my hands several more times and rolled my lips back and forth over each other, knowing full-well I couldn't go backwards once I said it. But I knew the truth was the only way forward.

"I slept with Edge last night. Well, we slept with Edge last night." I motioned between myself and you.

Mariana paused for a moment, her face not betraying her emotions, and absorbed this before asking, "Both of you? And you are ok with this?" She looked back and forth between the two of us.

I started to respond but before I could get the words out you clarified, "I think what he means to tell you, love, is that we both were with Edge, together. Mutually. At the same time."

She didn't say anything for too long and I couldn't take the silence, so I continued, just to fill the air with some words, any words. "We had a threesome. It was...I..." I noticed I was turning my hands over and over each other again, and I forced myself to stop.

This time she took a deep breath, and we all let her pause exist for its own sake without interruption.

Mar looked right at me, her tea cold and abandoned on the side table, her hands laid effortlessly on her crossed knees. "Adam, please listen very carefully to me. Whatever you want to do, it is ok, so long as you are telling me like you are now. I want you to do what sets your soul on fire, what brings your mind peace. If this is it, if you are ok, then I am ok." When she said it, it sounded so simple. Like it had always been this way, and always would be.

"And you," Her gaze turned and she was not letting you off the hook either. "I know he will be ok with you, because you always take care of him. Do not ever let me down in this endeavor." Her seriousness was clearly evident. I looked over to see you slowly draw an X across your heart with one hand.

When I looked back at Mariana, I somehow managed to speak, "And you are...you are ok?" My eyes felt like deep wells that contained all of my emotions. "The last thing I want to do is to hurt you...to hurt any of you..." I looked back and forth between the two of you, as I held my hands together with sheer will.

Mariana rose from her chair and came over to me, where she proceeded to kneel in front of me. She took both of my hands in hers and kissed the tops of them gently. "I meant what I said in my vows, my love."

You responded when I couldn't. "You are an angel." I smiled with tears in my eyes. No one else had ever made me feel so wholly accepted.

"Now, I think you two have an awards show you need to get ready for." Mariana smiled as she pushed herself up off my knees, her delicate hand brushing past your clumsy one on its way. She collected our mugs and returned to the kitchen.

We made our way up two flights of stairs and I set you up with towels and everything you needed in the guest bathroom, while I took my own shower in my room. We'd have makeup and wardrobe at the venue anyway, so we didn't need much. I lent you a plain black t-shirt and you wore the same pants you'd thrown on to come over in that morning.

We left together, meaning we arrived together. I thew an extra warm smile in Edge's direction on the way in; his eye crinkles revealed themselves for us.

 

***

 

It was clear you were fighting an internal battle of sorts. I didn't know how to bridge the divide, but I was sure I had to remove my pride from the picture and find a way to get through to you.

The morning after that fateful night in Memphis, we had an uneasy breakfast with Robert and Lian before arranging a flight to Nashville, where we'd originally planned to meet up with Johnny Cash, the opportunity of a lifetime. The fact that he'd invited us to his own home was not lost on either of us. It was one for the books.

I gave you your space on the short flight, and you spent most of the time scribbling furiously in your little notebook. This was good, I reasoned, you needed to get your frustration out somehow. It did nothing, however, to ease my angst about your reaction to my confession of love.

We arrived at lunchtime and were greeted by the infectious and charming, one and only, June Carter, who showed us in, where we feasted our eyes on a dining room full of sparkling china, fine art, and a spread fit for a king on the grandest occasion of the year.

I could almost see your mouth watering already, as I waved my arms in protest, “This is much too much for us.”

June smiled wickedly and laughed. “Oh no dear, this isn't for you. This is for my cookbook. We’ll eat in here...” And she ushered us into the kitchen, a homely affair with a laminated brown plaid table cloth and thick juice glasses set out next to plastic plates. You only looked mildly disappointed as the four of us sat elbow-to-elbow around the table and stuffed our faces with enough watermelon and perfectly fried chicken and cornbread to fill us up for the rest of the week. June fixed us all screwdrivers, so we were sufficiently tipsy for the late afternoon and also putting those juice glasses to good use.

After dinner, Johnny took us on a tour around the house. For some reason I was struck with his mater-of-fact explanation of his detox room, for lack of a better description.

“When I get pissed, I can come pass out in here. No need for the missus to have to deal with me and my antics then.” We all laughed. I was slightly uncomfortable with the whole idea, but I couldn’t bring myself to admit it. “Then she still gets a good night of sleep, ya hear?”

We nodded approvingly at everything Johnny said and followed him from room to room like lost little puppies.

He took us through his wardrobe and gave us each a black button up shirt, which I still have to this day. Even I could drown in that massive thing, so I’m sure you used it as a bedspread or something like that. Come to think of it, maybe you gave it to John years later.

Finally, we made it to his studio and you quite literally squealed with glee. Seeing you happy ultimately made me happy, and almost made me forget what had transpired less than 24 hours ago.

“I’ve got something I want to share with you,” You told Johnny as you whipped out your notebook. It was so cute how you tried to act casual when it was clear this was on your mind the entire time. You began to sing a few lines of poetry that would later turn out to be The Wanderer and end up on our next album.

_I went out wandering…I went with nothing but the thought you’d be there too, looking for you. I went out there in search of experience, to taste and to touch…and to feel as much as a man can, before he repents. I went out searching…looking for one good man, a spirit who would not bend or break…_

This was just how you connected with people. Through verse, a song, maybe about what you thought of them, or how you related to them. This time, as goosebumps appeared up and down my arms, I couldn’t tell exactly which man in this very intimate room you were trying to connect with...

Johnny added in some of his own ideas, and then you sang it again. Your voice was much stronger this time, through the recording equipment. I listened through headphones, alone in the next room, while your eyes were unwavering, fixed on me through the sound booth glass.

_I went out wandering….. I went with nothing, nothing but the thought that you’d be there too._

_I was looking for you._

_I went out there, in search of experience, to taste and to touch, and to feel as much as a man can feel._

_I went out searching. I was looking for one good man. A spirit that would not bend or break._

Your voice turned to a whisper on the last line, and you let both your arms drop to your sides as you finished. You didn’t break eye contact with me. This time I knew who you were speaking to, and I had my answer to why we'd come on this trip. I realized you didn't want to repent, but you felt as if you had to.

Later that night you held my hand and whispered my name. You wrote me a note on a tiny scrap of paper and tucked it in my jeans while I wasn’t looking, and I didn’t find it until weeks later. “Our Heartland, it means more to me than you will ever know. B.” It was a sort of confession.

 

***

 

A few days passed as we tried to ease ourselves into this new normal. I appreciated that you somehow just knew I needed my space to navigate this time gently with Mariana. Sure, it was a lot to balance, but I found it to be nothing more than our usual relationships. I spoke to Edge on the phone every night, and even visited his hotel one day while Mariana took the baby out with her to the shops. On Wednesday night we had you and Ali over for dinner, just like we had a hundred times before. Everything felt new at the same time that it felt as if nothing had changed.

We were about to play Abbey Road Studios the next day, and I felt much the same about this career milestone. Absolutely nothing would be different, but it still felt significant. After dinner that night, Ali and Mar were working together to pack up some of the delicious marsala for you to take home, while we said our good nights. You were standing in the hallway, as I helped you shrug your coat on and your fingers disappeared behind the cuffs, already bracing yourself for the cold beyond my door. I grabbed a scarf of mine from the closet on the opposite wall, and as I wrapped the grey fabric with chunky dark stars around your neck, I smiled, mostly to myself.

"Fitting," you smiled back at me.

"What do you mean?" My sweet smile turned slightly quizzical.

"I realized tonight that as much as you're my North Star; you're also a shooting star," You massaged the soft fabric I'd draped around you with the very tips of your fingers. "Because you're always moving....We're always moving, and changing; I wouldn't have it any other way." You paused to just look at me for a second, and then continued. "You make me want to be something more than I already am. You always take me somewhere new. You make me feel weightless. I go places I wouldn't otherwise dare when you are near me." You reached out for my hands, and I let you hold me. "I hope it's the same for you. There's no other way to live, Ad."

I thought back to New Orleans, our velvet and violet nights, and a memory flashed before my eyes of Bob singing that first version of Shooting Star for us.

_Did I become what you wanted me to be, did I make it to that other world?_

_Seen a shooting star tonight_  
_And I thought of you_  
_You were trying to break into another world_  
_A world I never knew_  
_I always kind of wondered_  
_If you ever made it through_

_If I ever became what you wanted me to be_  
_Did I miss the mark or over-step the line_  
_That only you could see?_

_Tomorrow will be another day_  
_Guess it's too late to say the things to you_  
_That you needed to hear me say_  
_Seen a shooting star tonight_

"One of the things I love most about you, Adam, is that you're always coming _into something_ , rather than out of something." I hadn't said a word yet. I thought you must be fed up with me by now, but you somehow were my exact complement, saying all the words I needed to hear, continuing on like you could have this conversation all on your own. In fact, maybe you already had. "This is how it always is with you. I admire it," you said with a hint of glassiness in your eyes. "Sometimes I wish I could be more like that, but I'm always, always coming out of something. Almost not coming out of it, almost just slipping away into it." You slipped out of my hands and made a motion as if you were just sliding away, fading away into the night.

I thought to myself how important our relationship was to me. We wouldn't let each other slip away, like a shooting star zooming through the night sky quickly and then almost instantly out of sight. No, we had something more substantial. A meteor can be weighty, dense, rock hard. I could hold you in my hand and feel the gravity of what existed between us, I always could.

"B, it doesn't matter which way either of us is going. Or what else is flying around in this world of ours. If you walk away, I'll follow you anywhere."


End file.
